Because I have kittens to feed and I need something to post, it’s time for a quick round of “Who Said It?”

And because YOU want to win a valuable prize, it’s time to start accumulating WSI points, which you might someday be able to trade for a cool merchandise, to possibly include a new car, a George Bush puppet I got at the Dollar Store, or a fluffy, adorable kitten.

So, let’s get down to business: the twist this round is that all our Mystery Speakers come from my NewsMax spam! (Some of the emails tout NewxMax articles, and some are shilling for NewsMax advertisers.) Now, put on your thinking caps and figure out who said the following:

1. HINT: This wingnut has a new book out — and apparently it’s a story about how nobody likes him anymore. (And it’s not because he’s a unpleasant crank now, it’s because liberals are big jerks.)

He abandoned his liberal perspective, became a libertarian � and paid a heavy price, he recently told NewsMax in an exclusive interview.

The mainstream media did not take kindly to [Mystery Guest's] political conversion, which occurred about 20 years ago.

“They like me less,” he says with his familiar deadpan humor, adding, “Once I started applying the same skepticism to government, I stopped winning awards.”

Like a political Robinson Crusoe, [MG] inhabits his own island of intellectual thought. … The outspoken journalist says conservatives impress him with their willingness to still invite him to conferences. “But the liberals just say, �He’s icky,’ and don’t want to have anything to do with me,” he says.

“Liberals have been so dominant in the mainstream media that they have grown fat, lazy and intolerant. Conservatives are happy to have someone in the mainstream media who will at least consider their ideas,” the newsman adds.

You now have all the clues you need: this Mystery Guest is a “libertarian,” inhabits his own intellectual island, and is icky.

2. HINT: This wingnut also has a new book out, and you can get it for just $4.99 from NewsMax!

“Would Jesus sanction a book that belittles and ridicules a large segment of the American population?” [MG] queried. “Yes,” adding that Jesus was faced with such outrages as the money changers in the Temple. [MG] added in familiar fashion that Jesus “was no panty waist.”

{Note: This quote is not a fictional one taken from Scott’s parody. It’s also not taken from Doug Giles’s latest book, “Dirty Harry Christianity.”)

3. This wingnut has a new book out too. Buy it or he will shoot you!

In The Global War on Your Guns, [Mystery Guest] tells the shocking truth-unfiltered by the national media-about the U.N.’s conspiracy to ban ALL firearms. That means your rifles, your shotguns and your handguns!

He’ll show you the frightening truth: that a future anti-gun president-say, President Hillary Clinton-has the power to bypass the needed two-thirds ratification by the U.S. Senate and turn this brazen assault on freedom into the law of our land.

[MG] hones in on shameful U.N. hypocrisy where their cries for complete disarmament cover-up the real agenda: take away the one freedom that gives common men and women the ultimate power to defend their lives against dictators, genocidal governments and other criminals….

Criminals that include U.N. peacekeepers and U.N. member nations!

Yes, Future President Hillary Clinton is plotting right now to take away your guns, just so that U.N. member nations can enter your home, rape your women, and kill you!

And that’s why you should not only buy this wingnut’s book, but also make large donations to his powerful lobbying group. Do it for the sake of the guns!

4. HINT: I guess this email didn’t actually come from NewsMax (but it could have).

Dear Republican,

The Death Tax is killing America’s small businesses and family farms.

It’s a Death Tax that mates, then kills!

5. HINT: This politician holds a key post in the Homeland Security Committee, and so technically holds the power of life and death over you..

{MG] warned Thursday morning that unless [some anti-terrorism funding for New York City cut by Michael Chertoff is ] restored, he’ll launch an investigation into what he called “orgies” involving CIA agents at the Watergate hotel.

The New York GOP member then threatened: “So I am going to be investigating [Homeland Security] from top to bottom and one clear example is this whole scandal with [ex-]Congressman Duke Cunningham, which has now unfolded to include orgies at the Watergate hotel.”

An angry [MG] vowed to blow the lid off the alleged scandal, saying it involves “prostitutes and booze and gambling and CIA agents.”

And the Bush twins doing laps dances in a hot tub with Tom DeLay, while Alberto Gonzales made out with Porter Goss! (At least, that’s the rumor I heard.)

6. HINT: This spam didn’t come from NewsMax either, but it’s just as shameless as anything coming from that outfit.

Don’t let the anti-Christmas crowd kick Christ out of Christmas this year

June is not the time when we think of Christmas. But June is the time when retailers begin making their plans for Christmas promotions � store banners, newspaper ads, TV commercials, etc.

Remember last Christmas when many national retailers banned the use of Merry Christmas and allowed only the use of Season’s Greetings or Happy Holidays or even winter holidays? Remember how some stores did not allow their employees to say “Merry Christmas” to their customers? Remember how Christmas trees were called Holiday trees?

Remember how Wal-Mart made the baby Jesus cry by not marketing his holiday as ruthlessly as they should have?

Remember how Bill O’Reilly was crucified on a giant candy cane for our sins?

Remember how little children were beaten mercilessly by feminist school teachers for possessing green and/or red napkins, and then forced to participate in Druidic homo nups?

If you remember all that, then you will want to sign this group’s petition, and join in their attempt to blackmail retailers into doing the group’s bidding.

We could be headed for another year when similar incidents occur, unless we let companies know right now that we will not accept the banning of Christmas in their promotions.

Now is the time to let the retailers know that if they ban the use of the term Christmas, you will not be shopping with them during the Christmas season!

Also let them know that if they mention any other winter holidays in their advertising, you will throw a Santa head in their beds while they are sleeping.

Anyway, those are our mystery wingnuts. Gentlepeople, start your guessing!

Contests, Wingnuts | 19 Comments »

First, let me add my kudos to everyone who entered our “Write Like a Wingnut” contest. In my book (about which you’ll be hearing more in the future), you’re all winners … except that we don’t have to give you a mug. So, you’re the BEST kind of winners.

But special congratulations go out to Simon for an entry that is sure to get him a Regnery book contract.

So, here’s MY idea for a contest: come up with a title for a book that would sound right at home at Regnery, Crown Forum, WorldNetDaily Books, Nelson Publishing, or their ilk. To help you out, here are some actual, real* titles of recent or future releases from these presses:

1. Myths, Lies, and Downright Stupidity : Get Out the Shovel–Why Everything You Know is Wrong
by 20/20′s John Stossel

2. Godless: The Church of Liberalism
by Ann Coulter

3. The Party of Death: The Democrats, the Media, the Courts, and the Disregard for Human Life
by Ramesh Ponnuru

4. The Marketing of Evil: How Radicals, Elitists, and Pseudo-Experts Sell Us Corruption Disguised As Freedom
by David Kupelian

5. War Crimes : The Left’s Campaign to Destroy Our Military and Lose the War on Terror
by Robert “Buzz” Patterson

6. Whitewash : How the News Media Are Paving Hillary Clinton’s Path to the Presidency
by L. Brent Bozell, Tim Graham

7. Warriors for the West : Fighting Bureaucrats, Radical Groups, and Liberal Judges on America’s Frontier
by William Perry Pendley

8. The Global War on Your Guns : Inside the UN Plan To Destroy the Bill of Rights by Wayne LaPierre

9. The Shadow Party : How Hillary Clinton, George Soros, and the Sixties Left Took Over the Democratic Party
by David Horowitz, Richard Poe

10. Culture Warrior : How I Personally Saved Our Culture by Saying Mean Things About Activist Judges, Non-Activist Judges, Godless Liberals, Film Critics Who Don’t Like Mel Gibson Movies, Department Stores Who Made Baby Jesus Cry, Rappers, Women Who Tape My Harassing Phone Calls, and the Entire Mainstream Media
by Bill O’Reilly

And so on. (I think you’re starting to see the pattern.)

Now it’s time to make up your own title. The winner won’t get an actual prize, per se, but may get a gig as one of the ghost writers for O’Reilly’s book.

*Okay, I made up part of the title of Bill’s book, because he violated wingnut literary protocol by failing to use a colon. He should be ashamed of himself!

Contests | 49 Comments »

Back in the glory days of , one of Martin Short’s gem-like offerings was a unforgivingly accurate parody of Jerry Lewis. Not the wailing, adenoidal, “LaaAAAAAAdy!” Jerry of the 50s, but the lachrymose, lanolin-haired, latter day Jerry, the one who haunted TV variety programs and the Merv Griffin Show, and seemed to stalk the land like a dark spectre in aviator glasses and a stale-looking tux. Short relentlessly hammered home every detail — the steamroller solipsism, the weepy, braying song stylings, the shtick that was both perfunctory and needy — until it seemed less like an impression and more like an assassination.

Then, a decade and a half later, I saw Short hosting some evening of female comics on basic cable, and he was doing the same type of tired, hacky shtick — mugging, pratfalling, and hawking up lame gags with all the care and craft of a loogie. And it dawned on me: sooner or later, we become the thing we parody. Which seems to be what’s happening to the lions of the wingnut bloggotocracy.

For years (going all the way back to the Reagan administration for some of them) rightwing pundits have been mocking the shibboleths of the left, railing against “sensitivity” (which somehow manages to be both a sign of weakness and a tool of totalitarianism at the same time, and which can cover everything from school regulations against bullying, to actual–gasp!– informed commentary about the Middle East, to corporate rules against Bill O’Reilly sexually harrassing people) or the musty, “do your own thing”-style hippie tropes that they seem to think are on the lips of every placard-waving anti-war activist. And now karma (not quite Instant Karma, but pretty damn close) has caught up to them, and they find themselves reduced to delivering the same rhetorical jabs over and over again like a Rhode Island Red dutifully squatting over her nest to deliver the daily speckled brown.

The rightwing luminaries of the blogosphere like to point out, ad nauseum, that liberals are bereft of ideas, or captive to discredited policies like progressive taxation, balanced budgets, or Communism. And yet, speaking as one who is not averse to grabbing a Wiffle bat and whacking at the lowest of low-hanging fruit, the easiest people to parody are invariably the most mannered, lazy, and predictable (“Can I get a HEH! Ho! Can I get an INDEED! Ho!) The contestants in our first annual Write Like a Wingnut contests are all smart, funny, talented people, and one of the things that made this such a difficult challenge is that nowadays, most wingnuts seem to come with a Self-Parody setting. The bloviations of the Malkins, Coulters, Hannitys, et al are the literary equivalent of Scrubbing Bubbles — they lampoon themselves, so you don’t have to.

Actually, when s.z. announced the contest, I figured we’d be inundated with faux-Coulter pieces, but most people didn’t bother. Perhaps because Ann’s act is rapidly coming to resemble the 70s-era Jerry Lewis–we know all the jokes before she even opens her mouth. More and more, her columns seem less like they’re written, and more like they’re assembled . Like Mad-Libs. Plug in the words liberal, terrorist, traitor, homosexual, and the untrustworthy or undeserving ethnic group de jour, and you’ve got her next speech to the College Republicans. In order to stay even inches ahead of her parodists she’s had to start openingly calling for the death of her political enemies, which takes her out of the realm of TV talking heads and makes her, basically, Saddam Hussein with a smaller following and a bigger sack.

All of which is a painfully roundabout way of saying that if feels like something may be about to change; as though Instapundit and Roger Simon and Little Green Footballs and Hugh Hewitt are all headlining on the Keith-Orpheum Vaudeville circuit, and living the high life, but it’s October 6, 1927, and The Jazz Singer just opened down the street. Which isn’t to say they’re about to go the way of the dinosaur–Jerry was still packing them into Vegas only a few of years ago–but it doesn’t really seem as though they’re poised to sweep the nation with a 20-year old act that’s even beginning to bore Branson. Of course, I’ve been wrong before, but I’d still recommend that at the very least they hit a few Open Mikes around town and try out some new material.

And as for the intentional parodies we’ve been enjoying for the past few days, kudos to our contestants , all of whom managed impersonations that were both hilarious and mildly nauseating. It seems, though, that the People have spoken, and this year’s favorite is Neil Cavuto-manqu� Simon Waugh. To quote commenter A cranny mint: “May his oil continue to soften and crisp.”

Congratulations, Simon, we hereby crown you Miss Write Like A Wingnut 2006! Click on the Contact link at the top of the page and tell us where you’d like us to send your Wo’C mug, or just wait until Michelle Malkin posts your name, address and phone number.

Contests | 18 Comments »

Thanks to all who contributed their doppleganger drivel. The deft evocation of right wing tropes and stylings prove that Wo’C commenters lead the world in the field of Wingnut Studies, and we are hereby awarding all contestants a Ph.D which we’re pretty sure is just slightly less legitimate than the doctorate awarded to the Scrawcrow at the end of The Wizard of Oz, and slightly more than the one awarded to Mike Adams.

The only problem is that the quality of the entries was a little too good, making it very difficult to cull the herd. So we’ve doubled the number of finalists to 6, and without further ado, we proudly present them for your delectation:

First up in the Junior Spokesmodel Competition — Tara the anti-social social worker channels Michelle Malkin:

Mr. Jose Garcia, a Mexican and therefore presumably an illegal immigrant and potential terrorist, was spotted at the Quaker party to celebrate the deaths of American soldiers. To prove they were celebrating the deaths of Amercian soldiers, here’s a picture of Mr. Garcia smiling.

Mr. Garcia lives at 123 NotAWingnut Street in Podunk, Idaho. His phone number is 555-5555. His email is SaveMeFromWingnuts @Heeelp.com. He started wearing a bulletproof vest after seeing me, but there’s a gun shop at 225 KillEmAll Street that sells armor-piercing ammo.

I do not condone death threats.

Next up: John of What Culture War also feels the Maglalang Magic!

I’d like to try my hand at a Malkin blog entry, except please try and imagine where the links go yourselves. It isn’t tough.

MOONBAT ILLEGALS MARCH

More unhinged moonbats:

(pasted text about one specific illegal immigrant who said something unsavory)

Don’t forget about this. Or that guy who said this.

Allah Pundit gets it:

Holy fuck, do I hate these illegal aliens.
More here. BigJim has posted some pics of illegals. LaShawn Barber agrees, and gets it.

More here.

Wonder if the MSM will cover this? I’m not holding my breath.

By the way, click here to see those Muslim cartoon from a few months ago.

LaShawn Barber still gets it.

WaPo. Reuters. Sports Illustrated. CNN. Pottery Barn.

Reader Janet is fed up:
�
I advocate the killing of all illegals, and I’m not kidding.
�

Let’s see if the MSM advocates the killing of all illegals. I’m not holding my breath.

PREVIOUS
Moonbats on parade
Look at these moonbats
Illegal moonbats
Illegals: “We exist”
Look at me make a big show about disagreeing with President Bush
Goodnight, Moonbat
I’m not holding my breath

Our third contestant Mark feels his E.D. has reached the point where he can take on a Ph.D. I think it would go a little something�like this:

Dear Dr. Mike

Why do you hate women so much?

Dolores

First of all, Dolores, did you ever realize your name rhymes with clitoris? When you become a prostitute, you could probably work that.
Second, since you obviously hate men, what kind of hooker are you going to be? Are there that many lesbians willing to pay you to perform the �vagina monologues� on them?

THis reminds me of the time I tried to poison one of my colleagues�I mean�when one of my leftist colleagues accused me of trying to poison her. She was one of those man hating feminazis who never shaved (she could grow a better mustache than me!) who, though she was �supposedly married,� was undoubtedly really a butch lesbian who regularly had her lesbian students over and they would eat each other�s pussies and strap on enormous dildos and

Oh, I�m sorry, where was I? Oh, be sure to get Ben Shapiro�s Porn Generation, where he disects how porn ruins peoples� lives, especially that lesbian porn, with that hot, hot, lesbian sex, which drives me so fucking crazy that I can�t take

[Townhall editor: Please submit your non-vagina related questions to . Questions should be brief and to the point and contain no references to any parts of the female anatomy.]

And speaking of Dr. Professor Mike�s BFF, the Bishop of Best Western, Doug Piles pulls the 4×4 around, tosses in the doe estrus, .30-.06, and the styling mousse, and sets off to bag hisself a ten-point metaphor:

Would Jesus, if the Big Guy could hop into a gyroscope or other kick-ass space vehicle and pop down to ther green �n� blue to �check out� the state of the world and not get a faceful of lesbo-feminist armpit hair for his troubles, like Liberals? No. He�d make like Vanilla Ice and exit stage left, pausing only to Christ-slap a few girly-manical, testosterone-deprived, metrosexual, mascara-laden focus-group Ted Kennedy wannabes mano-a-mano and maybe pick up a pound or two of antelope jerky for the return trip. It�s like I said to Ted �the Nuge� Nuggent when we were punching hammerhead sharks in the cojones before chapel, JC never mentions socialist healthcare or Brokeback Mountaineering once during the Old Testament. It�s enough to make you rip the head off a bear to hear the furry buttock�d WHY-men of the bra-burning left jabber like a flock of costive hyenas about peace and love when you know the chances of them giving you a �piece� of �love� is about the same as Archie Bunker giving Paula Abdul a hickey. And that�s my clash point, as I haven�t said for a while.

Belatedly informed that the fancy-schmancy-Nancy Boy poodles running this contest are trying to emasculate his clash point with a cat�s cradle of red tape, Doug remarks:

Oh, there were rules, eh? Well Jesus kicking liberal ass is always news as my friend Kathy Ireland said after we gutted thirty marmosets yesterday. Nude!

And what would a compendium of Wingnut greats be without the owl droppings of Fox News hooter Neil Cavuto. Simon Waugh tells us how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie center:

�You might think that what brought my Irish mother and my Italian father together was the fact that they were both immigrants and that they were both Catholics, but there was something else that made them stick to each other.
And that something else was oil.
Whether it was holy oil or olive oil it was sacred to them both.
Oil was life.
It softened the pasta and fried to a crisp the potatoes and unidentifiable animal parts that fed us
And if it hadn�t been for the oil, I probably would never have been born.

Today millions of immigrants claim that they are the oil that lubricates the US economy. And in the past few days they have tried to stop that flow of �oil� just like OPEC did in the 70�s.
Jimmy Carter of course caved to the blackmail, and restricted our freedom of choice and the country fell into recession. That�s what happens when Democrat�s try to wield executive power.
But Reagan stood up to the oil cartel and turned the crisis into a victory. His stance killed the sales of fuel efficient cars from the Europeans and the Japanese and restored jobs to American auto workers.

As the son of immigrants I think I can claim a bit more knowledge about this subject than the average Liberal whose typical lineage is communist euro-trash of the type we Americans cast off in the War of Independence.

These days we are facing another War of Independence�independence from illegal immigrants who, with their ridiculous low-riding pimpmobiles are illegally consuming the oil that legal patriotic citizens need to support the oil industry that helps pay for the War On Terror.

So when you hear these immigrants claiming that they want to be Americans, don�t believe a word of it.
If they really wanted to be Americans they should first learn English and then get a real job instead of sponging off the generosity of this great nation and siphoning billions of dollars back to their Stalinist leaders like Hugo Chavez.

But how do we fight this illegal immigrant army?

We remove the reason they come here in the first place which is of course welfare and all the other social programs that the liberals won�t let George Bush reform.
Then we round up the illegals and force them to compensate for all the money and oil they�ve stolen by making them build a 300 foot high border wall supervised by Halliburton/Bechtel.
Then we form a new agency called The Illegal Agency which will mandate that all the liberals who let the illegal immigrants cross the border escort them back, supervised by experienced contractors such as BlackWater and Custer-Battles.
Once we�ve secured our borders and are safe behind their walls America will no longer be exploited by foreigners and we can return to the real business of America�the business of freedom.

And that�s just common sense.”

And finally, David E. brings us perilously close to uncovering the origins of Pastor Swank�s Muppety syntax. Can we handle the truth? Let�s find out:

HOMO NUPS LEAD TO SUFFERING

Readers of papers such as the New York Times learned today that competing ballots measures conflict with voters in Colorado on whether to allow the homo nups. I say unto them that they must vote to prevent it. No one can claim they cannot do their part to defeat the homosexual agendaists: do or do not � there is no try.

Named must your fear be before banish it you can. We have no reason to fear God, except when he is wroth, and believe me that wroth he is at the thought of sweaty, crusty mansex. I know that the homo agenda can be tempting, with its musical comedies and high-quality fabrics, but resist it you must. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.

Size matters not. That is, the size of your commitment to fight the homo nups. If you do not, that is why you fail. We cannot allow homo nups to happen, for then the dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is. Already know that which you need, to shove the hot throbbing truth down the throats of the homo. Always in motion is the future. This fight we can win. Must win. Bad feeling I have about this.

The nups have even appearing on the Sopranos, with a homo mobster and they said they would �pay for therapy� instead of killing him. So in summaration, you must confront Colorado. Only then, a Christian will you be.

And those are our finalists. Now it’s up to you, the gimlet-eyed Wo’C reader to crown the winner of the First Annual Write Like a Wingnut Competition (made possible by a grant from the Mobil Corporation). Please vote for your favorite mock screed in the comments, and we’ll announce the winner on Wednesday.

Contests | 50 Comments »

We’ve had some admirably unhinged submissions to the first annual Write Like a Wingnut contest, but there’s still time to rage on behalf of the machine. Deadline is this Sunday at midnight (PST). Three finalists will be announced on Monday, and then you, the World O’Crap reader will cast your vote for the winner. Balloting will be interrupted on Tuesday when Republican staffers cram into the hall outside screaming “Stop the fraud!” and “Let us in!” Voting will then resume, and the Supreme Court will annoint the winner on Wednesday. The prize is a prototype World O’Crap mug:

This diswasher safe beverage delivery system is lovingly machine crafted and anti-American made at our maquiladora in Laos.

Contests | 6 Comments »

OFFICIAL RULES

Friends, relatives, and pets of World O’ Crap are all eligible. Offer void in Utah. Contractors are ineligible, since they should be outside finishing the damn fence instead of trying to figure out how Pastor Swank turns simple declarative English sentences into Mobius Strips. Also, even though he’s been kind enough to favor us with a visit from time to time, J. Grant Swank is ineligible to enter the contest and write like himself, because we?re just simple country folk, and that?s way too meta for us.

Anyway, the rules are simple (actually there?s only two):

1. Pick an item from the news (preferably one that would inspire the Wingnuts of Rohan to mount their hobbyhorses and lead a thunderous charge down the hallway and once more unto the Bonus Room until Mom shouts at them to go outside, it?s a nice day); and then write a short screed in the manner of your favorite conservative pundit, think tank intellectual or basement-dwelling blogger. Please identify the subject of your portraiture by name, because I always do really poorly in that ?Who Said It?? thing.

2. No cut and pasting a rightwing jeremiad and then entering it as a paean to Ben Domenech. Yes, we?re onto you. It?s sad, really; with your brains and initiative, you could have done something great, used your powers for the good of Mankind. Oh well?At least if you can stop being such a Clever Boots for once you can use it to win a nice mug.

And that?s it. We?ll be posting a picture of the Grand (well, only) Prize as soon as I can find my camera.

Contests | 42 Comments »

Thanks for checking out the new and improved World O’Crap. Your captain will be Scott C. Yours truly (S.Z., the noted astronaut/spy/super model) will be your cruise director. We don’t know who will be playing Gopher.

Anyway, we thought we’d start out by giving you a chance to win a valuable collectible, the limited edition World O’Crap mug. Plus, you get the opportunity to show what you’ve learned in our previous 2-1/2 years together. Yes, it’s time to Write Like Your Favorite Wingnut!

So, adopt the persona of Ann Coulter, John Stossel, Debbie Schlussel, Bill O’Reilly, Doug Giles, Pastor Swank, or YOUR favorite wingnut, and write a paragraph or two, and submit it via the comments.

Entries will be judged on degree of difficulty, content, physical fitness, general wingnuttiness, and whatever qualifies or lack thereof take the fancy of our judge, Harriet Miers. (In the event that Ms. Miers is deemed unqualified for this position, Scott C. will oversee the judicial process.)

All entries must be received by midnight, May 7.

Scott C. may be offering further contest information and/or useful tips on how to write like Pastor Swank, so stay tuned. (BTW, Pastor Swank is more than welcome to enter the contest — he may choose to write like himself, or, for an additional challenge, he could try writing like Kaye Grogan).

So, start writing like a wingnut, and you could be on your way to a new coffee mug (and possibly a job at Renew America)!

Contests | 34 Comments »