NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Late Saturday afternoon, in the reddest part of California’s most conservative county, a crazed supporter of Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama brutally mugged the sand with a metal detector.  According to the Beach, the assailant — described as a “tall black man wearing Madras plaid Bermuda shorts, a golf shirt, and a Panama hat” — stole four bottle caps, two loose keys, a grommet, and 74 cents in change.  The Beach, who is white, told investigators it suspected the man then noticed a soggy “McCain-Palin” sign wrapped around a leg of its pier, because he flew into a rage and allegedly punched the Beach below the waterline, then carved the campaign’s familiar “O” logo into it with a dull knife.

DEVELOPING…

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I’m not quite sure how this happened, but apparently I’ve become Richard Viguerie’s penpal.  Richard, as some of our older readers may remember, was a protege of Billy James Hargis, a founding father of the Christian Right, and an equal opportunity sexual predator who broadmindedly diddled both the boys and girls in his youth choir, the All American Kids, showing no hint of favoritism or prejudice.  Later, Richard went on to pioneer the use of direct mail in political campaigns, proving that if you blanket voters with libelous screeds just before election day, giving the defamed party no time to respond, then our Democracy will be strengthened, and our various branches of government will enjoy an even greater surplus of victorious, if soulless dickweeds.  Well, now Richard’s discovered email, and he won’t leave me alone:

Demand that Gwen Ifill be fired as the moderator of the Vice Presidential debate!

Dear Fellow American:

The mainstream (liberal) media’s smear campaign against Governor Sarah Palin has been one of the ugliest chapters in the history of modern witch hunts.

As we all know, the history of modern witch hunts stretches from Pastor Thomas Muthee’s heroic battle against a sorceress who summoned the power of Satan to cause fender benders in Kenya, all the way to Pastor Muthee’s invoking of God’s help to elect governor of Alaska.

Well, it has just become uglier—just when you probably thought that was impossible.

I was just thinking that was impossible!  How did you know?  GET OUT OF MY HEAD…!

It turns out that the “moderator” of the Thursday, October 2 vice presidential debate—PBS anchor Gwen Ifill—has a clear conflict of interest.

She’s been embezzling scare quotes.

Ms. Ifill is the author of a forthcoming book celebrating the politics and career of Senator Barack Obama. Her book is titled The Breakthrough: Politics and Race in the Age of Obama, and is scheduled to be published on Inauguration Day—January 20, 2009. She obviously has both an ideological and a financial interest in the success of the Obama-Biden campaign, one of the parties to this debate.

Wait…Obama’s going to be debating the Republican vice presidential nominee as well as Biden?  Palin’s pulling a debate train?!

If that isn’t a clear conflict of interest, I don’t know what would be.

How about coaching one candidate with the aid of pilfered briefing books, and then going on TV afterwards to praise that candidate’s performance without revealing your role in the event?  That would really be a conflict of interest, unless you were wearing a bowtie, in which case you automatically receive a dispensation from the Pope, or the Commissioner of Baseball, or somebody.

This serious conflict of interest was not disclosed beforehand to Senator John McCain or to his vice presidential running mate, Governor Sarah Palin.

I can’t believe those slimy bastards thought they could slip this ringer past Governor Sarah Palin, a woman who reads any and all newspapers!

Ifill discussed the book in a interview with The Washington Post on September 4, well before the Commission on Presidential Debates announced the debate moderators…The McCain campaign said it had not seen Ifill’s Post interview, or been aware of her book, until Tuesday.

To be fair, when Governor Palin says “reads,” she means “skims,” and by “skims” she means, “whatever words she happens to glimpse that are still visible between the starbursts of liquid hamster shit when she changes the paper in the Habitrail.”

In the words of attorney and TV host Greta Van Susteren, they “should have been told before the campaign agreed to have her moderate. It simply is not fair—in law, this would create a mistrial.”

To be honest, I tend not to pay a lot of attention to the legal opinions of women named Greta who’ve had a lot of plastic surgery unless we’re negotiating the price of a Swedish massage.

The American people deserve an honest and transparent moderation of this debate.

Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming your moderator for tonight’s debate..

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INT. McCAIN CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

JOHN McCAIN (Gordon Jump) is pacing as his ADVISERS look on. In the background, several TVs are tuned to Barack Obama’s address to the Democratic Convention.

McCAIN: My friends, I gotta tell you, tonight with that speech Obama set my ass on fire like his tongue was a Zuni rocket and my bunghole was the deck of the U.S.S. Forrestal. I’m in trouble here, my friends, and desperate times call for desperate measures. I’m going to make history tonight and name Joe Lieberman as my running mate! Imagine that, a Jew on the ticket for the first time in–

ADVISER: Uh, actually, Senator, Al Gore ran with Lieberman in 2000.

McCAIN: What? Oh. Well…What about Colin Powell? Nobody’s ever picked a black man for veep before!

ADVISER #2: Well…No, but…Obama…skin…kinda…black…ish…

McCAIN: YOU PEOPLE ARE NOT HELPING ME!

McCain paces, a bright red flush rising up his face like a thermometer. The Advisers murmur amongst themselves.

McCAIN: What about a woman? No one’s ever –

ADVISER: Geraldine Ferraro in –

McCAIN: (SAVAGELY) I mean a HOT woman! I wouldn’t let Geraldine Ferraro clean out my spit valve if I was down to my last dollar in the cheapest whorehouse in Saigon and she was giving away Green Stamps!

ADVISOR #2: But who? Kay Bailey Hutchinson? Carly Fiorina? Condi Rice?

McCAIN: No! No! No!

Suddenly, the door to the conference room opens and a wide-eyed YOUNG WOMAN stands on the threshold.

GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: Oh, I’m sorry! I’m looking the NRA seminar on shooting elderly lawyers in the face…

McCAIN looks thunderstruck for a moment, then he wheels and POINTS at Palin.

McCAIN: I want…THAT Gov!

[Cue Theme Song]

Pageants, Oil Spills, Snowflakes
That Gov!
Abusing, Office, Indictment?
That Gov!
She knows how to gut a moose…
Joe Biden should have such a phat caboose!

PUMAs, Pro-Life, WTF?
That Gov!
Names her, Children, Stupidly,
That Gov!
She’s got 4 kids and one other,
She’s her own son’s grandmother!
If you find a Gov to love,
Only one Veep,
To keep,
Then she’ll be That Gov too…
That Gov!

h/t to Mary for the idea.

UPDATE:  In the comments below, Doghouse Riley recalls the That Girl theme as an instrumental; and so it was, until the final season, when lyrics were added, a gesture which apparently acted on the audience much the way a cross affects a vampire.  Anyway, for those who missed it, here’s the Season Five theme song, replete with diamonds, daisies, snowflakes, and of course, That Girl.

And the Hoosier Sage keeps the party rolling by deftly shoehorning Governor Palin into the sensible low-heeled pumps of another beloved sitcom career gal:

…so here’s mine, to the tune of the Mary Tyler Moore Theme (neighborhood of D, boys):

Who can turn the world on with a dube (but won’t enjoy it)?
Who can qualify for Veep
when her previous job was at Jiffy Lube?
Shot a moose once in her pajamas,
Named a daughter for a
race track in Alabama (okay, Tennessee).

Oil all around why won’t we drill it?
Wildlife runnin’ loose won’t someone kill it?
She might just make it after a-alllll.
She’s like that guy from Walking Ta-alll.
She’ll kick Joe Biden in the ba-allls.
She’s gonna make it after all!

Berets in the air, people!

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At the Wall Street Journal, the strain is becoming unbearable.  Neck muscles corded, eyes popping, skin glazed with sweat, the WSJ.com writhes in its bed like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, fighting the urge to bolt upright and scream, “Can’t you see that man is a NIG’‘–!”  But the only relief they’re offered is a cool washcloth, and a few spoonfuls of Campbell’s Chunky Chicken and Euphemism soup:

Too Fit to Be President?

Facing an Overweight Electorate,Barack Obama Might Find Low Body Fat a Drawback

Obama doesn’t resemble the typical voter, and that makes regular Americans fear he may not share our traditional values of belly and booty.  Where’s his caboose?  Where’s the fleshy cow-catcher cantilevered over his belt?  Where’s the the atherosclerotic plaque caking his arteries like stucco texture-coating on a suburban rambler?  But you only have to look at McCain to see he’s as American as Type II diabetes.

[I]n a nation in which 66% of the voting-age population is overweight and 32% is obese, could Sen. Obama’s skinniness be a liability? Despite his visits to waffle houses, ice-cream parlors and greasy-spoon diners around the country, his slim physique just might have some Americans wondering whether he is truly like them.

Those taut, sculptured buttocks tell you all you need to know: this man is a little too slick to be trusted.  Oh sure, he ate at the Waffle House.  But he didn’t swallow.

The candidate has been criticized by opponents for appearing elitist or out of touch with average Americans. A Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll conducted in July shows Sen. Obama still lags behind Republican John McCain among white men and suburban women who say they can’t relate to his background or perceived values.

“He’s too new … and he needs to put some meat on his bones,” says Diana Koenig, 42, a housewife in Corpus Christi, Texas, who says she voted for Sen. Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primary.

“I won’t vote for any beanpole guy,” another Clinton supporter wrote last week on a Yahoo politics message board.

And yet Fox News can still accuse Obama of cynically playing the fleshist card.

Dr. Scheiner didn’t disclose his patient’s exact weight, but medical observers estimate that the 6-foot-1.5-inch-tall senator appears to weigh at least 10 pounds less than the roughly 190 pounds that the average American man of his height weighs. The Obama campaign declined to comment for this article.

What are they hiding?  Could those missing ten pounds be the seeds of a clone army of Obamas who would march remorselessly across the land, raising our hopes while lowering our sister’s panties?

At roughly 165 pounds, [Senator McCain's] weight is slightly above average for a 5-foot-7-inch man his age, according to nutritionists.

See?  He’s above average.  And really, haven’t we had enough of mediocrities in the White House?  Vote McCain: He’s Mildly Huskier Than The Norm For An Old Man.

These days he stays away from junk food and instead snacks on MET-Rx chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars and drinks Black Forest Berry Honest Tea, a healthy organic brew.

Hmm.  That sounds familiar.  Oh, right, it’s taken nearly verbatim from a press release by McCain’s campaign manager, Rick Davis:

Only celebrities like Barack Obama go to the gym three times a day, demand “MET-RX chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars and bottles of a hard-to-find organic brew — Black Forest Berry Honest Tea” and worry about the price of arugula

(Sen. McCain is said to have a weakness for Butterfinger candy bars, jelly beans, and coffee and doughnuts from Dunkin’ Donuts.)

Because he’s a regular guy, just like your dad who died of a coronary at 53.

On a campaign stop in May at Lew’s Dari-Freeze in Milwaukie, Ore., Sen. Obama’s wife, Michelle, and their two daughters ate ice-cream sundaes and onion rings, while Sen. Obama grinned for the cameras and swirled a spoon around in his quickly melting ice-cream concoction, taking only a few nibbles.

Because if he dares expose himself to pure, wholesome ice cream from America’s Dairy Land, his tongue will shrivel and turn to ash in his mouth.  Also, as he’s made of brown sugar, if you throw a bucket of water on him he’ll melt, leaving only a witch’s hat and a puddle of charisma.

But too much time in the gym can cause problems, as Sen. Obama learned last month after he made three stops to local Chicago gyms in one day, for a total of 188 minutes. The marathon workout session sparked a widely circulated Associated Press article titled “Obama Becomes a Gym Rat.” In it, the reporter wrote, “Sometimes it’s hard to tell if Barack Obama is running for president of the United States or Mr. Universe.”

If he wants to workout so badly he should clear brush and mountain.  I’m pretty sure there’s a vacant lot on the South Side of Chicago where you could easily do both.

UPDATE:  Steve at No More Mister Nice Blog has more on the author of the WSJ article, who apparently researched the Obama-is-too-fit meme and discovered, much to her astonishment, that she’s the one who invented it.

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UPDATED BELOW
Well, it seems that even right wing blogger AJ Strata is calling a time-out in the War on Obama’s Birth Certificate (and you’ve really got to feel sorry for the Johnnies who got their guns and perished in that conflict, because I’ve seen the plans for the memorial, and it’s just a marble plinth with a 20 foot tall Notary Public Embossing Seal).

But over at The Corner, Andy McCarthy (I think he was the blond one from Weekend At Bernie’s) is just so flummoxed and bemused by the whole affair that he can’t do a thing but fan himself with forged documents and chirp, “Fiddle dee dee!”

I had not caught up until today with this apparent controversy over whether the Hawaii birth certificate proffered by Obama’s campaign is a forgery and whether there are legitimate questions about whether he was born in the United States — if he wasn’t, he almost certainly would not be qualified under the Constitution and relevant immigration statutes to be president.

Unlike John McCain, who was born in America’s heartland, the Panama Canal Zone.  But poor Andy, he’s just all of a dither!  He had no idea there was the slightest doubt about Obama’s nativity.

Our Jim Geraghty seemed to pooh-pooh the birth certificate controversy about a week ago, but according to the above cited report (at a site called )

And here Andy helpfully links, not to a website, but to an email address.  So I guess we can all write to Doug Ross and get his thoughts on Barack Obama’s birth certificate, and whether he thinks Zac Efron was cuter in High School Musical or Hairspray, and if he prefers troll dolls to unicorns, and maybe even become pen pals!

…and a new one from Israeli Insider

Which is promoting the idea that Obama isn’t qualified to run for the nation’s highest office because his mother was “too young” to give birth to a future president:

Without a valid birth certificate, the primary record of US birth, Obama cannot prove that he fulfills the “natural born citizen” requirement of the Constitution, throwing into doubt his eligibility to run for President and throwing the race into turmoil. His presumed Kenyan-born father was foreign-born, and his mother was too young at the time of birth to confer natural born status by virtue of her American citizenship.

I heard someone touting this notion on the Stephanie Miller radio show the other day, when her producer noted that Snopes has already dealt with it.  The law, or regulation, or imaginary friend that Israel Insider is presumably citing refers to people born outside the U.S.  When confronted with the fact that Obama was born in Hawaii, other meme salesmen working the same side of the street assert that he’s unqualified for office because Hawaii wasn’t a state when he was born.  In fact, as anyone with a fifth grade education is aware, Hawaii was admitted to the union two years before his birth.

But back to Andy:

…there are new developments, and the Obama campaign appears to be stonewalling.  Shouldn’t it be a fairly easy matter to prove he was born in Hawaii if he really was?  Why wouldn’t Obama just end this quickly?

Yeah, why doesn’t he just, say, get a copy of his BIRTH CERTIFICATE and POST IT?  I’m sure that’ll put and end to it.

Is there anything to this?

ADDENDUM:  I should add to the above that I am not a conspiracy theorist.  My predisposition on the many stories floating around about Obama and his circle is to ignore them on the following theory:  If there was really anything to this or that, the Clintons would have found it and gotten their media friends all over it.  This story about Obama’s eligibility puzzles me because (a) it is so basic, (b) it should be so easy to prove the relevant facts of his birth, (c) the Obama campaign’s response to the story is bizarre, and (d) it seems to be getting worse rather than resolved.

Yes, that is a puzzler.  When right wing bloggers start a rumor that the presumptive Democratic nominee isn’t even a U.S. citizen, you’d think the reasonable thing to do would be to answer them in a straight forward way and provide the easily obtained documention they’re demanding.  Instead, for some weird, inexplicable reason, Obama’s people forge his birth certificate, and try to fob it off on some of the most distinguished kerning experts on the planet.  It just boggles the mind!  I mean, I haven’t been following this whole imbroglio, so perhaps there’s something I’m missing, but you’d think — with the Presidency hanging in the balance — Senator Obama would treat these accusations with the gravity they deserve, and take the simple steps necessary to prove that he was actually born where his birth certificate says he was born.  Like jump into a live volcano and emerge unscathed, because the goddess Pele can recognize a homeboy, or select “Tiny Bubbles” as his campaign theme song, or deliver a speech about modern race relations in the authentic Island dance language of Hula.

I mean, this is simple, basic stuff, people!  How hard can it be to convince your sworn political enemies that they’re lying about you?

UPDATE:  Doghouse Riley arrives during the uncomfortable silence following Andy’s slew of rhetorical questions, and tactfully breaks it by shooting the elephant in the room.  In his pajamas, no less:

And McCarthy–a former Assistant US Attorney–wants to get to the bottom of a story which does not just include, but hinges on the idea that one’s parent, even if a natural-born citizen, must also be at least 21 years old if the other parent is a foreign national?

To which Mr. McCarthy has issued an equally prompt and biting response:

“I know that!  Why wouldn’t I know that?  I’m well aware of that!  I just think it’s so funny you’d think I wouldn’t know that.”

“Is it me, or is it him?  It’s him, right?”

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I just got the results of my MRI back, and it looks like I’ll have to apply to that safety school after all.  “Herniated disc with stenosis” (although I clearly remember ordering  it al dente).  This apparently means that certain parts of my body have gone rogue, and when they’re not busy throttling my spinal cord like Albert DeSalvo, they’re running around pinching nerves like grammar school kids on St. Patrick’s Day.  The good news: there’s a treatment.  The bad news:  it’s a series of epidurals — big ol’ needles to the spine — but on a happy note, least I don’t have to lug home a baby after its done.

So once we get through the insurance company paperwork, I will finally have some hope of climbing out of this pain and poppy byproduct-induced purple haze and occasionally posting something here that makes sense.

In the meantime…

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According to Reuters…

KINSHASA (Reuters) – Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Somewhere, in an undisclosed, but no longer secure location, Dick Cheney jerks awake in a cold sweat…

Reports of so-called penis snatching

Well that — oh forget it. I’m not even gonna bother….

are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.

…and where most gynecological exams are performed by dentists.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo’s sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows

Unfortunately, Rush had a guest host that day. Apparently he was detained at the airport after returning from a recent golf outing in sub-Saharan Africa.

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Mystery Science Theater 3000 was, at it’s best, pee-your-pants funny. This will be just like that, except it will be the hosts piddling themselves because they glimpsed a woman in a hijab browsing the household cleanser aisle at Target. From Lileks:

Cat’s in the bag, bag’s in the river. I will be doing a super-secret project with Mike Nelson of MST3K fame in a while, and the details have been nailed.

Comedy, meet coffin. Coffin, meet nails.

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I never expected this!  (Okay, I did.  And so did lots of other people  But still …)

D.A. Drops Charges Against Karr

The murder case against John Mark Karr collapsed this afternoon when he was exonerated by a DNA test, but the man who was once the leading suspect in the JonBenet Ramsey tragedy will be returned to California to face child pornography charges, officials said.

In a fast-moving series of events throughout the afternoon, Boulder Dist. Atty. Mary T. Lacy, who had sought Karr’s departure from Thailand and extradition from California, dropped all charges against the former teacher.

Sources say that there is no truth to the rumor that Lacy, in connection with CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, and the White House, came up with “The Karr Scenario” as a way to distract people from the Iraq War (which has been a real loser in the ratings lately).

Lacy announced that she would hold a “panel discussion” with selected reporters Tuesday to discuss the case.

When reporters asked why the district attorney would not face the full press to answer questions, a court officer said: “You should be grateful that she is willing to do that.”

Yes, you should fall on your knees and thank God that a public official is willing to justify her errors in judgment to even pet members of the press!  (Hey, if works for the President, I think city District Attornies should be able to use it.)

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