Are YOU burlier than Jeb Bush?  This is a question that many liberal activists must ask themselves, now that the president’s brother has flung down a rhetorical gauntlet over reports that he was forced to hide from unruly protesters in Pittsburgh.  As s.z. mentions below, Mr. Bush has since insisted that it was not a closet where he sought refuge — a place traditionally associated with sub rosa homosexuality and the feminine impedimenta of domestic maintenance, such as sponge mops and brooms.  No, he fled to a boiler room, a hissing, steamy space redolent of brass rivets driven home by glistening, muscular men, and miles of thick pipes that sweat in the muggy gloom and throb with heat and power.

And while we take the governor at his word that he is more comfortable in the latter environment than the former, the casual observer might question Mr. Bush’s assertion that he is “burlier” than the protesters he was attempting to escape.  Especially since, as Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel helpfully points out, Mr. Bush was running from agitated members of the Ironworkers Union.  However, as Peggy Noonan or Michelle Malkin would remark, it is uncivil to subject a Republican’s assertions to fact-checking or rational analysis.  Therefore, we have devised the Jeb Bush Burliness Index, which will subject the governor’s claims to critical evaluation, while still avoiding the act of lese-majeste inherent in utilizing any sort of legitimate methodology.

Let’s look at Burliness Baseline:  Jeb Bush

Pretty tough and burly, as I’m sure you’ll agree.  But according to our analysis (which, again, is completely unscientific so it can’t be quashed by the White House), there are five other public figures who are (potentially) tougher than Jeb Bush:

Poppin Fresh, the Pillsbury spokesdough, routinely endures brutal finger-pokes to the belly that penetrate far deeper than any disgruntled ironworker’s words, and he just laughs it off!  Conclusion:  Poppin Fresh is tougher than Jeb Bush.

These men clearly have a better skin regimen than Jeb Bush.  But beyond that, their workday routinely brought them into contact with 400 pound tigers, any one of which could eviscerate them with a single swipe of their razor-sharp claws.  In all fairness, it must be pointed out that during his first administration, Jeb’s duties as governor of Florida forced him into frequent proximity to Katherine Harris.  But subsequent evidence has shown that, while dangerous, she is only fatal to democracy.  Conclusion?  Siegfreid and Roy are tougher than Jeb Bush.

Wally Cox not only roomed with Marlon Brando in the 1940s, but as Underdog he faced such villains as Simon Bar Sinister, Battyman, and Overcat.  And that’s not to mention all the catty sniping he had to endure from Paul Lynde on The Hollywood Squares.  Granted, he isn’t particularly burly, but how many animated supercriminals has Jeb Bush ever disposed of, while remaining humble and lovable?  Conclusion:  Wally Cox is tougher than Jeb Bush.

Oh here she comes
Watch out boy she’ll chew you up
Oh here she comes
She’s a maneater
Oh here she comes
Watch out boy she’ll chew you up
Oh here she comes
She’s a maneater

I wouldn’t if I were you
I know what she can do
She’s deadly man, and she could really rip your world apart
Mind over matter
The beauty is there but a beast is in the heart

I think this speaks for itself.  Has Jeb Bush ever faced a woman who will literally chew him up?!  (Except his mother.)  Moreover, despite the many opportunities provided by his bully pulpit, he has never had the balls to appear in public wearing nothing but tight jeans, a gold chain, a cop-from-the-Village-People mustache, and a shag hairdo.  Advantage:  Hall and Oates!

Finally, we come to the most difficult and delicate of contrasts:

While Jim J. Bullock fearlessly went to work each day, knowing he would be within sniffing distance of this woman:

Jeb had to grow up with this woman:

…as his mother.  So we’ll call this one a draw.

Conclusion?  Jeb Bush is equally as tough as Jim J. Bullock.

So the next time you’re wondering if you should stand up to a bit of heckling remarks by irate unionists, or flee into the nearest enclosed area serving the hot water and steam heating needs of a Pittsburgh subway station, test your burliness against the Jeb Bush Index.  Five out of ten Creation Scientists agree, it’s Authentically Anecdotal!

Posted by scott on Friday, October 13th, 2006 at 11:52 pm.