Just heard a rumor that Michael Jackson’s body will lie in state at the Staples Center in downtown Los Angeles, which seems both vainglorious and inadequate.  I mean, if they’re going to go that far, why don’t they just crack the seal on Lenin’s Snow White-style glass sarcophagus in Red Square and lay the King of Pop out alongside the Founding Father of Bolshevism (it is, after all, a two seater — Vlad used to bunk with Stalin — and Jacko’s pallor will make Lenin’s dull waxy build-up look like a healthy, George Hamiltonian tan).  Meanwhile, Karl Malden, one of filmdom’s finest character actors, has not been invited to lie in state at any major metropolitan arena, although the manager of Bullwinkle’s Restaurant & Family Fun Center in Tukwila, WA has offered to let the Academy Award-winner’s corpse cool on the air hockey table, as long as it’s gone by Sunday, because they’re having a birthday party.

Via our friend capconnundrum.

Video Village | 5 Comments »

Today we’re bringing you a fresh new wingnut, Joan Swirsky.  But although she was heretofore unknown to us, Joan is a woman of no little distinction and accomplishment.  A nurse and “certified psychotherapist,” she’s the author of several books (including Beauty and the Beam: Your Complete Guide to Cosmetic Laser Surgery, and “Mommy, I Want to Kill Myself!”), and has written science and feature articles for The New York Times Long Island section.  Nowadays, she contributes articles to wingnut websites such as Canada Free Press, NewsMax and RenewAmerica.  So, judging by the trajectory of her career, we can once again see the wisdom in Dr. King’s words, “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward batshit crazy.”

“Domestic terrorists” gear up for July 4th tea parties

On April 15, over a million people — who had already smelled the contaminated coffee of the Obama regime’s galloping socialism-cum-communism-cum totalitarianism — attended thousands of Tea Parties across the country

You know, if someone served me a cup of coffee doctored with socialism, communism, totalitarianism and three helpings of cum, I’d switch to tea too. Or at least ask for some Cremora.

Since then, the Tea Party movement has grown exponentially, with hundreds more taking place on a regular basis and attended by Republicans, Democrats, Independents, Libertarians, et al — all increasingly horrified at Obama’s breakneck efforts to destroy free-market capitalism, inflict decades of debt on future generations, spit on the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights, employ a Hitler-like force of ACORN brown-shirts (read what Dr. Paul L. Williams has to say about them here) to manipulate the census and intimidate critics, compromise our military and intelligence services, and ultimately bring about a caliphate of repressive Muslim (Sharia) “law” to the United States of America.

Wow, that’s quite a sentence.  I don’t have time to get through the whole thing now, but I’m planning to throw that sentence in my beach bag and finish it over the summer.

Sure enough, a day before the Tax Day demonstrations — which Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the “president” knew nothing about — Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano issued a fatwa…

Oh, so we’re under Sharia “law” already?  Damn, that Caliph Obama is sneaky.  Well, at least Joan can make rude gestures from under her burqa and Grand Vizier Clinton will never know.

…that declared the extraordinarily peaceful Tea Party attendees de factor “domestic terrorists” — including our military!

That’s why we keep losing wars — our military’s too peaceful!

As radio host Dr. Laurie Roth has written: “That offensive and lying list ended up targeting two-thirds of the country, certainly those who love their freedom, Constitution, and God.”

I might take issue with the timeliness of an article on last April’s Teabaggings, but choosing to demonize the DHS report on right wing extremists after two high profile killings by right wing extremists shows that Joan has her finger firmly on the pulse of America’s medical school cadavers.  Anyway, like her fellow journalist, John L. Perry, Joan also believes the secret to award-winning writing is lists of Obama’s crimes against white, Judeo-Christian humanity, in this case ranging from with the weirdly ungrammatical (”Genuflects like an obsequies toady to an Arab potentate”) to the vaguely hematological (”Proves daily that appeasement to America’s enemies runs thick in his Leftist blood”).  Seventeen charges in all, but Joan is showwoman enough to leave the rubes wanting more, for “[a]s readers of my articles have read before, this is the short list!”

The majority of Americans — including the Obama constituency of Blacks, Hispanics, gays, feminists, and liberal pundits, et al. — are now having Buyer’s Remorse!

Oh thank goodness!  From the symptoms, I thought it was something serious, like Drunkard’s Itch, or Scrivener’s Palsy.

But for most people, when they consider what this alien hybrid of a Manchurian Candidate and Trojan Horse has done in five short months to bankrupt our country and everyone in it, it clear that this “president” is the worst thing that has ever happened to the land of the free and the home of the brave.

As anyone who’s read Better Living Through Bad Movies knows, s.z. and I have watched a lot — a lot — of post-apocalyptic movies, and I have to say, as post-apocalypses go, this is a trifle disappointing.  Where’s the barbaric splendor?  Where’s the creatively mutated, fur-clad survivors?  The futuristic domed city states?  The hot cyborg assassinatrixes who are mankind’s last, best hope against an influx of genocidal aliens?  Are you saying we get a minority ownership position in the automobile manufacturing industry and a switch to digital TV, and that’s it?  What kind of crappy apocalypse is this?

Or maybe it’s just that America is only mostly dead, because according to Joan, “citizens have been hard at work in heroic efforts to save America from the catastrophe known as Obama.”  These efforts spawn another list, including local wingnuts pushing “state sovereignty legislation through to reclaim States Rights under the Ninth and Tenth Amendments,” which I suspect will have the same transformative effect upon our system of government as those abstinence pledges have had upon America’s youth.  Additionally, you won’t be surprised to learn that:

A Grand Jury effort is underway to force Obama to open up the birth, college and passport records he has spent a million bucks to keep sealed and secret.

Numerous lawsuits are pending in numerous courts demanding that Obama make his life‚”transparent” for all to see, all of them convinced that he cannot pass Constitutional muster for the office he holds.

If the court orders Obama to “make his life,’transparent’ for all to see,” he’ll likely be forced to greet dignitaries and heads of state at the door of the White House clad only in a sheath of Saran Wrap.  While this represents a significant departure from protocol, it could, as Marabel Morgan explained in The Total Woman, add desperately needed sizzle to our foreign policy, and help our erstwhile allies fall back in love with us.

Speaking of which, today is our wedding anniversary, so Mary and I are off to hike the Appalachian Trail.  Catch ya later.

Live from the Asylum | 26 Comments »

When we last dropped in on Newsmax’s John L. Perry, he was promoting the notion that Barack Obama is Pinocchio, a prevaricating puppet whose strings are pulled by mysterious, unseen hands. This week, the Newsmax pundit has not only promoted the President to Real Live Boy, he’s crowned him The Emperor Jones.

Emperor Obama Has No Class

Now that he’s president, Barack Obama has new clothes, even if they don’t always fit. What he still lacks is class. Tailors can’t fix that.

Although some tailors can create the illusion of good breeding through the cunning use of darts.

Before, during, and since the president’s elevation to his stratospheric altitude in the vault of the heavens, he has been adorned in an unprecedented array of resplendent raiments of praise befitting his One-ness.

This is probably a good time to remind our readers that John L. Perry is “a prize-winning newspaper editor and writer”.

If he appears at times to be in contradiction, or inconsistency, with his One-ness, it only appears that this is so. For, by contemporary wisdom, that is an entirely admirable attribute of his being The One. And since he is, he can be no other. Nor can any other be he. Thus, whatever he is at any given moment in time, he can nowise be in contradiction thereof.

Guys?  Please stop passing the joint to Mr. Perry.

Who, not being of status anywhere close to that of The One, can possibly say otherwise? If you ain’t been there yourself, you just ain’t been.

Among Mr. Perry’s awards is the PEN American Center Prize, given each year to the best translation of Khalil Gibran into jive.

But, lesser ones still might ask, “If all that the general public (a.k.a. the masscomm audience) can see are his new clothes, and if there’s no there there, how can anyone tell if what’s not there is class?”

Since the president’s degree of déclassé is not a topic tolerated for public observation or discussion, this seeming conundrum must be approached silently, in solitude, and behind closed doors after the children are abed or safely watching smut on television.

In other words, once your penis has passed it’s Sell By date, masturbation is replaced by long nights spent pacing the Bonus Room, grousing about the uppity Negroes in the White House.

Under those conditions, how, if the president has no class, is his populace to know what he’s doing that is classless? It’s a bit like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s celebrated dictum non-defining hard-core pornography: “I know it when I see it.”

Actually Mr. Perry, a little hardcore pornography might be healthier for you than running through the streets, wild-eyed and sweaty like Kevin McCarthy at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and shouting at passing cars that Obama’s classlessness is invisible to the naked eye!

So, the answer is that if the president’s classlessness is observed, it must be without comment about:

And then Mr. Perry furnishes a litany of indictable offenses against classiness, including:

• The way he walks, the way he talks, the way he looks down his nose.

The way he wears his hat.  The way he sips his tea.

• The way he hasn’t learned to tie a four-in-hand necktie like the men do.

The President, as we’ve all seen, confines himself to those big floppy bows preferred by power-dressing women executives in the 1980s.

• The haughty way he fakes erudition off his teleprompter screens and proffers profundities on subjects in which he lacks credentials.
• The way he says, “as I’ve said before,” when he hasn’t.

These sound less like complaints about the President of the United States, and more the kind of daily irritants that come up during couples counseling.

• The way he jumps down, spins around, picks a new position

Then picks a bale of cotton.  Yeah, we get it, John.  We get it.

Can I Peek Under Your Hood? | 24 Comments »

It’s been awhile since we’ve checked in with Doug Giles, Townhall columnist, Hemingwayesque Big Game botherer, jive talkin’ internet radio host, and Bishop of the Residence Inn of Aventura, FL.

Its like the Gospel of Jesus Christ as preached by the Sham-Wow guy.

This week, Pastor Giles has entered some sort of extreme sports competition, in which the apparent goal is to pack as many pre-debunked wingnut talking points as possible into an 800-word column.  Let’s grab a Mountain Dew and see how he does…

Obama said in his latest hem-hawing, foreign policy bloviating, what-the-hell-is-he-talkin’-about press conference that “we need to have a vigorous debate” regarding Iran’s current tyrannical Muslim-based governmental crushing of young people who desire a touch of freedom.

We need to debate? “We” who, BHO?

Good question, Doug.  Let’s go to the transcript…Unfortunately, I can’t find any evidence that Obama uttered those words during his June 23 press conference, and while Google doesn’t want to come right out and call bullshit on a minister, it does strongly imply that your only source for the quote seems to be your own first paragraph.

So Pastor Giles’s prevarications are coming on strong, right out of the gate, but will he be able to maintain the pace?

I’m guessin’ he is talking about American liberals and conservatives because—from what I can deduce from the YouTube vids—it appears as if the Iranian dissidents aren’t looking for lively banter with the death dealing, lying through coffee-stained teeth religious whack jobs who look like a group of angry, homeless Santa Clauses on crack.

I’m not sure this qualifies as a falsehood, but the non sequitur about coffee-stained teeth suggests Doug has founded a radical new school in the art of public invective — an intriguing fusion of surrealism and the Book of Mormon.

FYI to the Whitehouse: Ayatollahs, mullahs, and Ahmadinejads don’t discuss stuff.

Which is why they’ve outlawed cocktail parties in Iran.  The lack of small talk made things awkward as they all just stood around, listlessly spearing Vienna Franks out of the chafing dish.

They shoot you in the face.

I don’t blame people for objecting to Obama’s secret Muslim faith.  At least Mullah Cheney was upfront about it.

Uncut Islam doesn’t debate; it deals death to dissenters and, it seems, Mohammed is cool with that. Jesus isn’t okay with it, but Mohammed is.

Wow.  Your god’s a wuss.

From what I’ve seen, historically speaking, a vigorous and beneficial chat is the perk that a Judeo-Christian based nation, which has an armed citizenry, gets to enjoy.

Pssst!  Doug!  Look behind you — it’s Great Britain!

Oppressive, mucked-up Muslim nations like Iran don’t argue about their bogus elections or dictates with intelligent, liberty-loving, non step-n-fetch rebels.

As stated, they pistol whip them, split their skulls with a night stick, drag non-compliant co-eds around by their scalps, or simply pull out their guns and double tap the center mass of the unarmed non-compliants.

God only knows what we’re going find out about the June 24th, 2009 massacre in Baharestan square. I heard they used axes and threw protestors off pedestrian bridges.

Ah . . . Islam in action. How peaceful. What an awesome religion.

Y’know, after watching the past two weeks of Ayatollahs Gone Wild, slamming their zealous fists on their podiums, spewing more propaganda than Robert Gibbs does during his weekly presser, and pummeling any and all dissenting voices, I’m sure many people around the world are lining up to become Muslims and move to a country governed by mullahs. It looks fun, doesn’t it? I mean, it’s a little bloody and oppressive and all, but hey . . . nobody is perfect.

It must be nice to live in la-la-land where trees are made of chocolate, where cigarettes fall from heaven, where you can print trillions of dollars and idiots approve it, where your administration can Pac Man the private sector, tax the crap out of our people, rob their health care, hard sell us bogus energy bills, while gutting the constitution—a place where you get to be the leader of the most powerful place on the planet simply because you can read a mean teleprompter.

And it’s called…Crawford, Texas.

I don’t believe the Iranians who’d like a free election (shame on them) want us to mediate a spicy round table spat. I think they desire a little more. I think they want us to meddle on a Guns & Ammo type level.

Exactly, they’d like us to sell them magazine subscriptions.  Why, I remember when I freed Myanmar singlehandedly by selling them twelve issues of GRIT!

Thus the protest signs in English. Kinda seems odd they’d go English with their placards if they didn’t want our attention and involvement.

Sure, even though “English is the most widely taught and understood language in the world, and sometimes is described as a lingua franca” I’m sure they were totally making eyes at us.

I, for one, believe that we should meddle in such slave states. The “we” I believe that should intervene is the old America spelled with a “c” and not the new Amerika spelled with a “k”.

Obama’s secret plan calls for using the poor man’s Red Dawn to rally the nation’s dormant Soviet fifth Column.

The reason I think it’s a good thing Obama and his admin stays the hell out of this Iranian throw down is two fold: If the young Iranians can topple their crap government, it’ll be a real morale boost, eh? I know it was for America’s founding fathers, God bless ‘em.

Wait — so we shouldn’t give them all gift subscriptions to Guns And Ammo?  Now I’m totally lost…is he lying here, or just babbling?  My scorecard is a mess…

Secondly, if I were a Neda in Iran, I wouldn’t trust Obama as far as I could spit a loogie. Why? Well, it seems as if he has a soft spot for Muslim terrorists.

During Back to the Future, a young Obama was known to stand up in the theater and totally root for the Libyans.

Finally, mad to props to GWB for spawning hope for free elections in the heart of young Iranians as they watched their next-door neighbors enjoy real democracy in Iraq.

I’ll go farther: insane propellers to GWB for showing the Iranians that if it ain’t got car bombs and sectarian violence, it ain’t democracy.

Oh Lord | 38 Comments »

Over at World Net Daily, Joseph Farah’s Mustache Sense is tingling.

  The intentional destruction of America

It’s time for Americans to consider a very scary possibility – that the president of the United States and the Congress are actually embarked on an intentional plan to destroy most everything that throughout history made the country great and unique.

To stop them, we’ll need a Space-Time Paradox Generator, 200 feet of copper wire, a wise-cracking android, and a picture of Eve Arden!

Could it be that the sweeping, wholesale policy changes we have seen implemented and begun in the last six months are not just “mistakes” or the results of miscalculations?

Could it be that these wholesale policy changes are, in fact, the results of electing a candidate who promised to change our previous policies?

Could it be that the clear intent is to bring America down – and that those controlling America’s political future know exactly what they are doing?

I hope not.  I’ve gotten used to the idea of Administrations bringing America down accidentally, while cleaning their shotgun, say, or driving on the sidewalk after one too many Pisco sours.

Could it be that those holding the levers of power in Washington are not just ill-equipped for their jobs and making bad choices, but that they are determined to destroy America’s economy and culture because they don’t like it, never liked it and wish to see our nation operate more like the rest of the world?

It seems like the staffs of WND, RenewAmerica, American Thinker, American Renaissance, The American Vision, American Power and other like-minded asylums woke up on November 5th and decided that instead of enduring a black man in the White House, they’d go rather live in a comic book universe where Lex Luthor is the President.  After all, losing to Luthor, that doesn’t make you a loser, because he’s a supervillain.  What’re you supposed to do against an evil genius who has usurped the power of the United States government?  Just blog like the dickens, I guess.  On the bright side, once you do defeat Super-Villain President, you have lots of good options for relocating the Gitmo detainees — the prison planet of Ysmault, the Anti-Matter Universe of Qward, or the Phantom Zone.

Personally, I’m there. I’ve been there.

You’re out there.  You’re way out there.

There is not a doubt in my mind that people like Barack Obama, Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and the like just plain think differently than, say, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and James Madison – not to mention me.

No doubt.  For instance, Obama, Frank, Pelosi and Reid probably think that the former presidents shouldn’t have the legal right to buy and sell the current president.  Or rent him out to other countries to stud.

The contrast in worldviews couldn’t be any more striking.

So it’s you and the Enlightenment thinkers against the Obama Administration, eh?  Okay, I’ll take your word for it that you’re on the Founders team, but I bet you got picked last.

The Constitution and the Declaration of Independence are being actively and openly dismantled as the guiding principles of American government.

It’s true.  I walked by the Constitution the other day, and it was covered with scaffolding, and a bunch hardhats whistled and asked me to lift up my tank top.

The rule of law? We’re told today by Obama and company that the Constitution doesn’t mean what it says. It’s a “living document” that needs to be constantly reinterpreted in different times. That’s not the rule of law. That’s the rule of men – or, more precisely, the rule of high priests in black robes who are not accountable to either the will of the people or the rule of law.

“…and as always, our annual Satanic Mass will be the first Monday in October.”

Are your shackles being removed by Obama and company?

No, but my underwear seems to be missing…

Get the Butterfly Net! | 20 Comments »

Over at RedState, E Pluribus Unum is, true to his name, making out of many snits, one giant tizzy.

He starts off reasonably enough, using his inside voice…

By all means report the facts. I’m sure you’ll be happy to cover every salacious detail. Have at it. Be sure to cover the pain and suffering of Governor Sanford’s family. While you are at it, cover the depth to which all South Carolina and nation-wide Republicans and conservatives rightly feel betrayed.

But there’s only so much a Wolverine can take, and by the second paragraph he’s gone Full Color Font on us.

Beyond that, just shut up. Shut your lying, hypocritical, power-above-patriotism, hyper-partisan, two-faced, shamelessly double-standard bearing pie hole.

Then, he silences our juvenile tittering with a quotation from Patrick Henry’s eloquent “You’re Not the Boss of Me!” speech:

You don’t get to judge.

Look, pal, nobody over here is setting themselves up as an arbiter of the public morals.  This isn’t the Inquisition; it’s just a little schadenfreude.  Relax.

The Library of Congress could hardly contain chapter and verse of the multitudes of ways the press and the other Democrats have gotten away with judging Republicans by wholly different standards than that applied to Democrats. But that double standard is both obvious and as wide as the Grand Canyon. You show no honor, no equity, no fairness, and no scruples yourselves. You, to put it mildly, do not police your own.

I thought that’s what FoxNews was for.

We do. We’ll deal with Sanford.

A swift blow with an ice-axe to the back of the skull, then we start airbrushing him out of all the May Day photos!

We have standards (you don’t), and we have a long history of punishing and purging our leaders who prove unworthy of trust.

Remember John Ensign?  Rush Limbaugh?  David Vitter?  Larry Craig?  Ha!  Didn’t think so!  And don’t even try to find the bodies!

For your part, serial adulterer Bill Clinton remains a rock star as far as you are concerned, and that about sums up the standards to which Democrats hold themselves.

You seem confused, Mr. Unum.  Perhaps I can help…You see, if liberals say, for instance, that they consider marital infidelity a matter between husband and wife, rather than husband and House of Representatives, it would then be hypocritical to judge Clinton’s presidency largely on the basis of how well he cleaved unto his spouse.  But as a Congressman, Sanford voted to impeach President Clinton, and don’t we owe it to Republicans to judge them by their own declared standards?  Anything else would suggest we doubt their sincerity.

So, spare us your mock outrage, your tut-tutting, your finger-wagging, your eyebrows furrowed in anger.

I think you’re confusing us with one of Newt Gringrich’s ex-wives.  These are purely tears of joy.

If you are well and truly outraged by Mark Sanford’s adultery

On the contrary, I’m impressed by a guy who’ll travel over 5000 miles for a booty call.

…but could not trouble yourself to muster even a little mild disapproval against the cretin who wiped his feet with the honor of the office of President of the United States, then you are a hypocrite yourself of the lowest stripe. You are unworthy to judge.

Hey, I never claimed to be the umpire, Uma.  I’m just another bleacher bum enjoying our nation’s pastime.

So just shut up.

And with that, he called us “bastard people!” and ran home to bite his pillow.

Waaah! | 40 Comments »

Over at Pajamas (We Thought the Name Was Ironic at the Time) Media, Andrew Klavan is busy growing a petri dish full of wisdom in his column, Klavan On The Culture.  Andrew, who has graced WO’C once or twice in the past, is the author of numerous novels and screenplays.  Here’s a taste of his latest opus:

The Last Thing I Remember
Apr 30, 2009

Andrew’s new suspense novel for Young Adults is now available at bookstores and amazon.com. “The Last Thing I Remember” is the story of Charlie West, an ordinary, straight arrow teenager who goes to bed one night and wakes up strapped to a chair being tortured by jihadists. Charlie’s desperate struggle to find out how he got into a situation like this will challenge him in every way, forcing him to rely on his faith, his courage and his fighting skills to stay alive. This is the first novel in Andrew’s Homelanders series

Wow, it’s like The Hardy Boys meet Hostel.  Fans of Andrew’s YA fiction will be excited to learn he’s just signed on to pen the revival of The Baby-sitters Club series:

Jessi and the Jihadists

All your favorites are back!  When Jessi and Mallory are raped and murdered by Islamofascists, it’s up to original Baby-sitter Club members Kristy, Claudia, Mary Anne, and Stacey to hunt them down through the mean streets of Stoneybrook and exact a bloody revenge.  This is the first novel in Andrews Blut Madchen series.

This week, Andrew went to see The Hangover, and he’s returned brimming with conservative insights.  Unlike most critics, he didn’t find the film particularly funny — but that’s only because he thought it was a documentary.

A lot of critics get all huffy about this depiction of the sexes [in film comedies]…But you know what? I suspect a lot of it is simple realism.  More and more often I meet young guys just like this:  overgrown kids who are their grim wives’ poodles…They “share” household and child-rearing tasks equally - which isn’t really equal at all because they don’t care about a clean house or a well-reared child anywhere near as much as their wives do.

Most men, faced with raising a child, would gladly abandon it in the forest and hope a pack of wolves will pick up the slack.  Which is why conservatives must continue the fight against marriage equality.  This holy institution, as we know, was anointed by God for the purpose of begetting and rearing children, even though a full 50% of the partnership couldn’t give a crap about it.  So imagine what would happen to children growing up in a house where both partners were male?  The home of the typical married gay couple would be a filthy sty full of feral toddlers.  So I guess that means we should only let lesbians get married…Wait.  No.  Because then they could still fool us by getting a sex change like Chastity Bono and just start the whole horrible cycle all over again!

In short, each one seems set to spend his life taking orders from a perpetually dissatisfied Mrs. who sounds to me - forgive me but just speaking in all honesty - like a bloody shrike.  Who can blame these poor shnooks if they go out and get drunk or laid or just plain divorced?

Women with their own personalities are the reason the rates of alcoholism, STDs, and divorce are so high in this country.  What we need, instead of changes in statute to permit same-sex couples to wed, is a fundamental reform of the law that will recognize marriage as a union between one man and one Realdoll™.

I’m the old-fashioned King of the Castle type:  my wife knew it when she married me, she knows it now, and she knows where the door is if she gets sick of it.

Now that’s True Love.  It reminds me of Romeo and Juliet; but instead of taking their own lives, rather than face a life without love, they beat each other to death with shovels in the crypt.

And you can curse me or consign me to Feminist Hell or whatever you want to do.  But when you’re done, answer me this:  why would a man get married under any other circumstances?  I’m serious.  What’s in it for him?  I mean, marriage is a large sacrifice for a man.  He gives up his right to sleep with a variety of partners, which is as basic an urge in men as having children is in women.

Apparently Andrew thinks the life of the average single guy is a nonstop roundelay of hot chicks, cool jazz, dry martinis, and large black velvet bow ties.  Whereas I think of it more as a Tilt-A-Whirl of Mac-n-Cheese, psycho roommates, awkward first dates, and ziggurats of accumulated laundry.

He takes on responsibilities which will probably curtail both his work and his social life.  If he doesn’t also acquire authority, gravitas, respect and, yes, mastery over his own home, what does he get?  Companionship?  Hey, stay single, dude, you’ll have a lot more money, and then you can buy companionship.

As Maggie Gallagher’s National Organization for Marriage states: “Love is a great thing. But marriage isn’t just any kind of love; it’s the special love of husband and wife for each other and their children.”  On the downside, it cuts into Daddy’s whoring.

All right, I know, I’m a mean old man.  But I’ve also been blissfully married for 30 years to a woman who wakes up singing.

Ah, so she’s insane. That explains it.

I think some of these young guys have been sold a bill of goods, I really do.  I think they’ve been told what they’re supposed to be like and have sacrificed what they are like.  Maybe their marriages are more “fair” than mine but just looking at them, I think they’re miserable.  And I suspect, deep down, their wives are probably miserable too.

Yes, if there’s one thing women hate, it’s equality.  And spiders.  And that weird form of sleep apnea where you wake up in the middle of the night belting out “Brush Up Your Shakespeare” from Kiss Me Kate.

Smell the Man Musk | 41 Comments »

Pop culture history is written by the winners, so it comes as little surprise that Pat Boone has never received credit for the important role he played in the 1950s as “America’s Panty Shield.”  Like the outnumbered Spartans at Thermopylae he stood athwart the gusset of popular music, absorbing the heavy flow of Black rhythm and blues, in an effort to prevent embarrassing, tell-tale stains on America’s youth.

Today, faced with another Black incursion upon a previously all-White institution, he again offers himself as a intercessor — a sort of breathable cotton panel of racial politics — advising President Obama that the best way to win over White folks is to act more like a 19th century caricature of an 18th century leader.

Obama Should Emulate George Washington’s Truthfulness

I doubt that it’s ever taught in school today, because it seems that the National Education Association has different ideas about what our kids need to know.

They also spend time talking about “the climate” and “evolution” instead of teaching our children how phlogiston reacts with the Aether.

But most adults over 40 surely are familiar with the story about young George Washington, who had been given a small hatchet for his birthday.

Which he later used to take revenge on the camp counselors who let him drown in Crystal Lake.

Eager to try it out, the boy looked for something to hack (the word had a different meaning in our forefathers’ days). And he found it — a little cherry tree. When his father found that a perfectly good cherry tree had been destroyed, he asked George whether he knew what had happened.

“Father, I cannot tell a lie,” said the future first president of the United States of America. “I did it.”

An insignificant story, perhaps, just a little morality tale for kids. No one today can verify whether it actually happened.

Criswell:  My friend, you have seen this incident, based on sworn testimony. Can you prove that it didn’t happen?

I, for one, believe it did, mainly because if its apparent insignificance. If there weren’t a factual basis for the story, who would make it up?

You got me there, Pat.

Surely a fableist would conjure up something more dramatic than a little boy cutting down a cherry tree with his new hatchet.

It certainly reads like dispassionate reportage:

Presently George and his hatchet made their appearance. “George,” said his father, ” do you know who killed that beautiful little cherry tree yonder in the garden? ” This was a tough question; and George staggered under it for a moment; but quickly recovered himself: and looking at his father, with the sweet face of youth brightened with the inexpressible charm of all- conquering truth, he bravely cried out, “I can’t tell a lie, Pa; you know I can’t tell a lie. I did cut it with my hatchet.” “Run to my arms, you dearest boy,” cried his father in transports, “run to my arms; glad am I, George, that you killed my tree; for you have paid me for it a thousand fold. Such an act of heroism in my son is more worth than a thousand trees, though blossomed with silver, and their fruits of purest gold.”

I must admit, Pat makes a good point.  The story would have been much more effective as morality tale if the same question had been posed about Andrew and Abby Borden, and their little daughter Lizzie had responded, “I can’t tell a lie, Pa. I did it with my little hatchet.”  And then, despite her dreadful expectations, Lizzie was not punished for her mischief, for she was brave enough to tell the truth, and smart enough to tell it to a corpse.

Is it any wonder, then, that parents and teachers have pointed to the man we call “the father of our country” for nearly 200 years as an example for our kids to emulate? That, too, makes the story of the apple tree meaningful and important: Children can understand the moral and learn a valuable lesson from their earliest years.

Especially if you keep it fresh by randomly changing the fruit.

No Country For Old Men | 22 Comments »

We received an email this evening (as did a number of our distinguished commenters) from Walter Francis Fitzpatrick III, and at first I was quite excited.  But it turns out he’s not the guy who played “Linc” in The Mod Squad; instead, he’s the cashiered, ex-Navy Lt. Commander who is — even as we speak — bringing down President Obama with a charge of TREASON!  For the sake of posterity, I’m going to post the body of the letter, including all four Hungadungas.

Subject:  BATTLE OF COWPENS ALL OVER AGAIN!

Today’s attack-rant writing brought to us by a gent named Scott Clevenger (historically the reincarnation of British commanders at Cowpens).

I hate to interrupt Walter when he’s on a roll, but I should point out that while I am in fact historically considered the reincarnation of British commanders at Cowpens, I am hardly a “gent.”

(links, oddly emphatic bolding, and idiosyncratic color scheme all in the original…)

Scott and fellow travelers (see the comments) “Doghouse” Riley, “Slywy,” DSIDHE, and Rugosa, are on the record with Patrick McKinnion (who updated his writing yesterday).

Presumably a career-ending letter of reprimand will be placed in our jackets and blot our escutcheons.

McKinnion writes: “In the interest of being fair, I welcome any further information from Mr. Fitzpatrick as to his behavior and his side of the story…”

Isn’t it a shame Mr. McKinnion didn’t check with me first. Or with Ed Offley, author of the work McKinnion relied upon, or with Christine Clarridge who writes for the Seattle Times (Mr. McKinnion’s current home town). Or with so many other independent journalists who’ve seen and vetted the extant document record.

Just a rotten shame!

As troubling is Mr. McKinnion’s exposure in his self-admission that maybe…just maybe…he didn’t know a wit of what he was so libelous in writing.

Tee-ball anyone?

As someone with a smart mouth and a long history of being told to put up or shut up, I just have to say — that’s the weirdest threat I’ve ever received.

It will be interesting to watch McKinnion’s filth travel.

Fellow travelers, as you know, travel by filth.  Making us, I suppose, filth columnists.

And I wonder who’s gonna break the news to Norm Dicks, Patty Murray, Maria Cantwell and the criminal thug Obama things aren’t workin’ out so well?

I think we should send a Strip-O-Gram.  It’ll cushion the blow.

Regards,
/s/
Walter Francis Fitzpatrick, III
United States Navy Retired
United States Naval Academy Class of 1975

And yet, despite all that, he still doesn’t have the Kung-Fu Grip™.

I Pity the Fool | 60 Comments »

I’m finding it difficult to concentrate today, thanks to a nasty headache, and don’t feel quite up to swallowing the prescription-strength crazy.  So I’ve decided to take a couple of buffered wingnuts and just sit here in the dark until the throbbing subsides.  First up, our old friend Shermp, the Wistfulest Stooge™, sits down with a cashiered Navy man who recently charged Obama with treason.  Or maybe she just read his criminal complaint and imagined they were having a conversation, because the whole transcript consists largely of dueling blockquotes from “patriot” email alerts, so she either interviewed him via spam, or we surprised Sher as she was cheating on a Turing test.

Can the US Constitution survive dictator Obama?

In light of the now almost daily bombardment of the US Constitution by the sitting US Commander in Chief, the question ‘is our Constitution still the law of the land?’ is increasingly being asked by We-the-People.

Other questions being asked by We-the-People are:

“Are those real?”

“What part of the mind blocks happy relationships?” (page 409)

“What’s with all the fucking hyphens?”

and

“Mr. O’Reilly, when you inflate the bladder in your dewlap, is that designed to intimidate predators, or is it just a courting ritual?”

The problem of Barack Hussein Obama seeming not to be a natural-born citizen is still an extremely salient issue…Recently, retired Navy Commander Walter Francis Fitzpatrick III filed a criminal complaint of Treason against Barack Hussein Obama. This has prompted other individuals around the country to do the same. As our Republic now stands on the brink of complete collapse, I thought an interview of Commander Fitzpatrick was in order.

It’ll help pass the time until the roaming bands of cannibals arrive.

The Interview

Sher: Walt, you’ve caused quite a stir with your criminal complaint of treason against Barack Obama — the person I call the usurper to the US presidency and the US’ dictator in chief. Suffice it to say, our representative republic is now in jeopardy as it has never before experienced. What you have done is an extraordinarily gutsy move. With even our lawmakers seeming to cower in fear of going against him, how did you garner the courage to fight against Obama’s expanding tyranny?

Walt: “Obedient to the Constitution — my sworn duty, Mr. Obama, is to stand against what you stand for. You are not my president. You are not my commander in chief.” (Quoted from the federal criminal complaint naming Mr. Obama in the crime of TREASON).

Wolfram Alpha is a more scintillating conversationalist.

General Robert E. Lee put it this way: “Duty is the most sublime word in our language. Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more. You should never wish to do less.”

Ah yes, the wisdom of Robert E. Lee on…duty.

Walt: Mr. Obama is named in the commission of the crime of TREASON by a commissioned officer in the U.S. military. TREASON is the only criminal act our Constitution records.

Say, what did General Robert E. Lee have to say about TREASON?  I’m sure it was pithy.

Mr. Obama is described in the criminal complaint as a ‘foreign born domestic enemy and a traitor.’ This simple declarative sentence is intended to state clearly Mr. Obama meets elements of the crime of TREASON by being an enemy of the United States and our constitutional form of government. It states also Mr. Obama adheres to other U.S. enemies and gives them aid and comfort (Obama’s criminal assistants).

You might even call them Obama’s criminal confederates.

It’s been two months. Mr. Obama admits his TREASON.

Really?  I must’ve missed that in the paper — I guess I really ought to at least glance at the front page after I finish reading “Cathy.”

I opine one tactic is to quash complaints quietly and without further notice by disqualifying people attempting to remove Mr. Obama from office by force of law. What more do you need to see or hear?

Not a thing.  Your delusion’s good enough for me, Commander.

Our Constitution no longer works. Our government, however contemporaneously described, has turned against its people.

And the turtle called Gamera is approaching the city!

Sher: You stated in your criminal complaint against Obama:… I accuse you and your military-political criminal assistants of TREASON.”

What a coincidence.  I Accuse My Parents…of TREASON!

As a retired US Navy officer, how much support do you believe the US Military will give to Obama’s despotic syndicate and, subsequently, operate against the American people?

Walt: I don’t know what I don’t know. “How much support,” the strength of military support is impossible to measure. The first sentence of the federal criminal complaint for TREASON reads as follows: “I have observed and extensively recorded treacherous attacks by military-political aristocrats against the United States Constitution for twenty years.” The alert and warning that senior military commanders — described as “command racketeers” — have been no more obedient to the Constitution since the end of the Civil War than Mr. Obama has been during his lifetime.

And anyone familiar with the history of organized crime remembers who won the long, bloody struggle between the Five Crime Families — the Bonnanos, the Gambinos, the Colombos, the Genoveses, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Mr. Obama criminal ascension to the White House has afforded modern day command racketeers an opportunity to more completely and effectively efface the Constitution than ever in any of their lifetimes. Mr. Obama’s goals and the goals of the command criminals are identical.

Contrarily, there are those Veterans (active duty and retired) who refuse to perjure or forsake their oaths to the Constitution and see their duty clearly (duty…there’s that word again).

Oh great.  Commander McBragg thinks he’s in Starship Troopers!

Sher: When we talked, you also indicated that those who knew and know that Obama was not born in the USA are also culpable and can be charged with treason and/or conspiring to treason — correct? Speaking of which, didn’t Fox News Channel’s Uber-leftist Shepard Smith recently stated on-air…”There are these crazies out there who want to pretend Obama’s not a citizen of the United States”…If Smith has proof that Obama is a natural-born citizen, isn’t he legally obligated to provide it?

Walt: FOX News Channel Correspondent Shepard Smith has named himself a witness in the Obama TREASON trial. Correspondent Smith is advised to exercise his constitutional protections against self-incrimination inasmuch as Mr. Smith won’t be going to Washington. Instead Mr. Smith goes to prison for his complicity in Obama’s TREASON rendering Smith as criminally accountable.

Shepard Smith.  History’s greatest monster.

A legitimate president and commander in chief is the leader of the Western world. As commander in chief he is the CEO of America’s largest employer (the U.S. military and its infrastructure), the world’s largest law firm (the JAG Corps), and the most powerful and fierce military force history has ever known.

And for all of that I’m supposed to take the word of Shep Smith that Obama legitimately holds office?  In an earlier question you asked me who are the power brokers behind Obama. I answered in general. Here, allow me to be more focused and specific.  Shepard Smith is one of those responsible, one of those behind the curtain pulling the levers, one of the outlaw assistants in Obama’s criminal adventures.

There exists an opportunity in the Obama TREASON trial to use Shepard Smith as the vehicle that exposes major media as a leading actor in crimes against the Constitution.

Laconically: Mr. Smith committed TREASON by saying what he did.

Well, at least his treachery was concise.  If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s loquacious TREASON.

Sher: Barack Obama is taking over the country and turning it into his own totalitarian empire with almost lightning speed. Whom do you believe is the real power, if any, behind and supporting him?

Walt: I don’t know what I don’t know.

I smell a catchy slogan!  Get CafePress on the line!

I can speculate as well as you, but at the end of the day all we have are our opinions which may be different and which may be competing. But, this question gets to the heart of the reason why the federal criminal complaint for TREASON was advanced: We need to find out…and we can with the speed of heat!

Oh swell — now he’s coming on to her.

The handling of Mr. Obama’s TREASON works to reconcile the question regarding whether the Constitution remains the Law of the Land or not. Mr. Obama’s TREASON trial also works to stop the attack against the Constitution, neutralize it, and then work to the Constitution’s restoration. Along the way we get behind the curtain to see who’s pulling the levers!

Because, you know, he’s a negro, and doesn’t know how to operate the drapes.

Allow me to add that the Constitution’s Impeachment process does not reach to protect Mr. Obama. Mr. Obama is not legitimately holding office. The TREASON trial stands Obama in the dock like any other person (citizen, legal or illegal alien). Mr. Obama is now caught in the crime of TREASON and is rendered nothing more than a commoner; a smug street thug punk criminal.

I’m going to arrange a play date between Commander McBragg and Pastor Swank.

Sher: There seems to be a growing malaise amongst many US citizens that they can do nothing about Obama’s destruction of the US Constitution — via his ignoring it — and his reconstruction of our republic into his personal fiefdom except complain. With your own filing of the criminal treason complaint…

Ahem.  I think you mean TREASON, Sher.

…How do you suggest each individual proceed toward filing their own treason complaint against him?

“Well, I’m glad you asked.  I’m having a TREASON complaint filing seminar this Sunday at the Barstow Ramada…”

Walt: I do not agree there’s a “malaise.” By the way, I hate the word malaise ever since Jimmy Carter uttered it eons ago. Malaise is not what made America great!

Creamy sandwich spread is!  We call it…Malaisonnaise!

It just isn’t a thread in the American fabric. What I see instead is growing frustration, bewilderment, and anger that is the sure product of betrayal. Betrayed by Obama, by the politicians, by the military aristocrats…

Any second now, and he’s going to start knitting the names of his enemies into a sweater like Madame Defarge.

Given a way to fight back, in the rebirth of the Constitution, We The People are forming Grand Juries like a slowly heating pop-corn machine. Indictments and presentments are already handed down. Advance of the extant federal criminal complaint for TREASON has become frenetic.

Seriously, dude.  Get on Pastor Swank’s good side now, before he sues your ass for theft of anti-intellectual property.

Well, my head’s really splitting now, but I think I need a palate cleanser, a little sorbet of stupid before I crawl off to bed.  I wonder what Jonah’s up to…

Jonah Goldberg:  Et Tu, Big Business?

When liberals hear conservatives decry the death of capitalism, they titter and roll their eyes. “Oh, you paranoid right-wingers! You see Bolsheviks around every corner.”

But such exasperation is the exhalation of concentrated ignorance.

You know, Jonah, giving fancy names to your flatulence doesn’t make people any less inclined to move away from you on the subway.

Get the Butterfly Net! | 28 Comments »