Dick Morris, Fox News Analyst and prostitute phalange fetishist, recently explained the President’s Iraq war strategy in such a concise and pellucid manner that it could easily be grasped by even the laziest American lolling on his couch, too bloated and lethargic to even summon the strength to reach for the remote and turn off Dick Morris.
On the Hannity and Vague Ectoplasmic Shape Show, Morris revealed that the secret to winning the War on Terror is as old as commerce: Location, location, location.
MORRIS: I think that withdrawal from Iraq — it obviously gives al Qaeda a huge victory. Huge victory. On the other hand, if we stay in Iraq, it gives them the opportunity to kill more Americans, which they really like.
One of the things, though, that I think the antiwar crowd has not considered is that, if we’re putting the Americans right within their arms’ reach, they don’t have to come to Wall Street to kill Americans. They don’t have to knock down the trade center. They can do it around the corner, and convenience is a big factor when you’re a terrorist.
Because terrorists are a lot like soccer moms — harried, overscheduled, with too many responsibilities and too little time for themselves – and at the end of the day, all they want is a moment to put their feet up and settle back with a cup of General Foods International Coffee (”Shall we have the Jasmine Jihad, or the Mesopotamian Mint Cappuccino?”) This is why today the sales of Certs are almostly entirely terrorist-driven (”You mean it’s a candy mint and a breath mint? At the same time?!“) and why Scrubbing Bubbles® has recently made such significant market penetration in Waziristan. (”Omar, stop cleaning the bowl and start decapitating infidels! This product will do the work so you don’t have to!”) And needless to say, EasyOff leaves you free to homicide bomb while it cleans the oven.
It’s refreshing to see that Morris isn’t squeamish about the implications of throwing our troops to the insurgency the way Russian peasants might toss a baby off the back of the sledge to distract a pursuing wolfpack. Sure it’s harsh, but if we don’t make killing Americans as convenient as microwaving a Hot Pocket, then the next thing you know, our kids will come home from school with a terrorist and say, “Mom, he followed me home! Can we keep him?”
Next Week: Morris praises Amazon’s new hassle-free “Al-Qaeda Club,” that allows jihadists to order American service personnel shipped directly to their home, with no minimum order required to qualify for free shipping!