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Over at her blog, D.Sidhe has been discussing the side effects of her new migraine medication, which may include shortness of breath, difficulty orgasming, and zombies.  The good news is, of these three, she’s only noticed the latter symptom; even better, zombies are fairly easy to wrangle if you can convince them that they’re actually Sasquatches.  Which is why it astounds me that Professor Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D still can’t seem to get a grip on the phantom feminists who pop out of his Id like clockwork after each speaking engagement.

Recently, a bright, young, conservative woman told me I had gone too far in my criticism of feminism. She even said my harsh criticism of feminism “almost made her want to be a feminist.” In addition to being dead wrong she may be in danger of becoming a liberal. 

That last sentence, in case you didn’t notice, was supposed to be a joke.  I point this out because in today’s column, Dr. Professor Mike will prove that modern feminists are so lacking in humor, and so full of vaginas, that they’ve given his funny boner a case of E.D.

The “you almost make me want to be a feminist” statement reminds me of one I heard from a young liberal woman after a speech I gave in Spokane, Washington. The livid lib was upset because I referred to college professors who support speech codes as “dope smoking hippies who dropped too much acid in the 60s.”

By implying that a large amount of acid was required to make sense of the speech codes, I was simply making a joke. I was also drinking wine that night before the speech but that’s okay because the audience was Catholic.

HAH! HAH! HAH! HAH!–wait.  What?

It is predictable that a liberal would approach me after a speech…

Yes it is, Mike, since that’s pretty much the same gimmick you use in every column, except when it’s an email from an irked feminist student or a tizzified metrosexual.  (You know, some day that strident dyke who always accosts Dr. Adams after a speech will climb into the cab driven by that guy who cruises around La Guardia all day waiting for a chance to vindicate Thomas Friedman’s preconceptions, and we’ll finally get the whole world straightened out.)

… and say “I’m now more liberal because of your harsh comments about professors who use acid.” By stating that I reinforced her liberalism by using offensive language (read: by making her even angrier) she simply reinforces my true definition of a liberal:

…anyone who laughs at his penis, otherwise known as “Li’l Mike,” “Oscar Mayer,” or “Mr. Softee.”

One who suffers from an emotional disorder that renders him, her, or it unable to appreciate humor.

If you don’t think Dr. Mike is funny, it’s only because you were molested as a child, and you’re a sociopath.

Putting aside my disdain for a “conservative” who contemplates moving to the left because my comments have caused “offense,”…

Bravo.  And I’ll put aside my own disdain for a conservative who sneaks onto the practice field at night and stabs the tackling dummy in the back with a screwdriver, then tells all his friends he won a bar fight. 

I have come to the firm conclusion that I’ve not been nearly harsh enough in my treatment of feminists. And today I plan to start treating them the way they deserve to be treated. 

Biatches, prepare to dance the Apace Dance with Dr. Mike!

My understanding of (and disrespect for) the underpinnings of modern feminism was actually fostered by a biologist who once made a very candid remark about the foundation of his support of Darwinism. When asked about the lack of evidence supporting Darwinism – the fossil record, etc. – he confessed there was a very human reason for his faith in evolutionary theory despite the lack of scientific evidence. He confessed that if Darwinism were not true, he wouldn’t be able to sleep around.

At the heart of his support for Darwinism was a desire to get God out of the picture by any means whatsoever. And his desire to get God out of the picture was in turn motivated by his desire to copulate with as many people as possible without feeling guilty. I wonder whether some untenured psychologist would dare to publish a paper called “A Cognitive Dissonance Theory of Human Devolution.” I think we all know the answer to that question.

Yep, we do:  That anyone that stupid would have no chance of securing tenure, but he might possess sufficient animal cunning to realize that his best hope of clinging to employment would be to spew inflammatory anti-feminist screeds on a right wing website, so that any effort to dismiss him could be framed as a civil rights issue.

As I think about the candid remarks of the freely fornicating biologist, I am reminded of a sociology professor’s response to a film…

Mike knows a lot of imaginary academics.  If this keeps up, he’s going to have to build an addition to the Bedlam in his head.

…showing an ultrasound of an abortion being performed on a fetus during its so-called first trimester of development. Without addressing the issue of when life actually begins she pleaded for the preservation of a woman’s right to choose by reminding people that a woman who gets pregnant “might not know” or “might not even like” the man who got her pregnant. 

That sounds like the sort of argument a professor of sociology would employ to defend reproductive rights.  Sometimes I can’t even believe how lucky we are that Dr. Mike is always on the scene with a steno pad when some female academic is making an ass of herself.

The similarities between the remarks of the freely fornicating biologist and the slut-sympathizer-slash-sociologist are analytically indistinguishable. 

I should put out, for the benefit of our readers who came in late: these are the jokes, people.

And the remarks of the latter are a grim reminder that the feminist mantra that a “woman has right to control her body” is not a reference to the fetus at all.

Um, no.  “A woman has the right to control her body” sounds like it refers to, uh…her body.

Given that a) feminists who defend abortion invariably fall back on the “right to control her body” argument and, b) this argument is invariably motivated by nothing more than lust

Yeah.  You wish. 

the following re-definition of feminism is in order: 

Ah, at last.  Now he’s gonna bring teh funny…

Feminism is a minority social movement, whose members murder innocent children in order to obtain sexual gratification.

Hm.  Not really a “ha-ha” kind of funny.  But then, observational humor depends upon a shared frame of reference between comedian and audience, and doesn’t always translate when the observations are based on the comedian’s own hallucinations.  (”You know how the ghosts of all those animals you’ve killed on canned hunts will gather around your bed in the middle of the night and stare at you in mute reproach, their silvery blood puddling beneath them until it looks like the entire floor is covered in a pool of mercury?  Don’t you hate that?”)

Those who would quibble with my assertion that all feminists commit murder do so based on the mistaken assumption that a woman must have or actually perform an abortion to commit a murder. That isn’t so. 

For instance, some feminists might get involved with one of their Associate Professors while in school, and wind up marrying him.  Then, years later, they might find him pitching email-enabled woo at some other credulous co-ed, and impulsively grab a handgun from his large collection of loaded, easily-accessible firearms…

Charles Manson never actually stabbed or shot any of the five people at the Tate residence. Nor did he stab either of the LaBiancas the following evening. His conviction on all seven counts of murder was due to his choice to enter into a criminal conspiracy with the very people who did, in fact, directly commit the murders.

Well, I’m no academic like Dr. Mike here, but it seems like his analogy isn’t entirely airtight, given that conspiriing to commit murder is criminal, while supporting legal abortion is not.  I guess there’s some clause I missed in the Constitution, whereby a legal action becomes becomes illegal if an Associate Professor of Criminology thinks it’s icky.

Whether they have ever had or performed an abortion themselves, all feminists today are voluntarily involved in a movement whose principal issue/goal is abortion on demand. And this meeting of the minds renders the term “baby killer” equal applicable to both the committed and casual feminist alike. 

Well.  At least he ended with a joke.

35 Responses to “Your Uterus Killed My Joke”

Dr. Mike really doesn’t have clue as to what feminism is, does he? So he make the definition up. Apparently he doesn’t own a dictionary.

The zombie thing could be worse. I could be hallucinating Dr Mike in my kitchen.

Dr Mike who, for the record, whether he has murdered a small Iraqi child or not, is voluntarily involved in a movement whose principal goal is to bomb the shit out of people in the hopes they hit a few terrorists amidst the waves of civilians. Why? So he can be more in control of his own life, or at least feel that way. These are, I may have mentioned it, actual living, breathing children with names and family members (who admittedly might also be dead) and favorite games and hopes. Or at least they were, before Dr Mike and his pals decided they were acceptable collateral damage.

Abortion on demand gives women control over their own lives, not just the illusion of control, and doesn’t kill living, breathing children with names and loved ones and hopes. So when he starts giving a fuck about that, I’ll listen to his complaints about blastocysts.

Oh, and, Mike? Liberal feminists in Spokane are like Spokane lesbians–they don’t exist in real life, they’re just ordinary women with a severe allergic reaction to something you just said.

It reminds me of a biologist who admitted he was wrong about everything but enjoyed molesting children. And that’s why feminists are no different than Charles Manson.

Wow, that’s the first Dr. Mike column we’ve had in awhile. It’s actually worse than I remember.

I wonder if Prof. “Manly-Like-Manson” Mike is taking the same medication as D. Sidhe?

D.Sidhe has been discussing the side effects of her new migraine medication, which may include shortness of breath, difficulty orgasming, and zombies.

Zombies…er, miscellaneous academics:
check.

Difficulty Orgasming: well, by mentioning feminists (or other word forms thereof) about roughly fifty times in his screed, and for the sentence “The similarities between the remarks of the freely fornicating biologist and the slut-sympathizer-slash-sociologist are analytically indistinguishable”:
big-ass check.

Shortness of Breath: considering I don’t exactly *want* to get close to him to check this out, I’ll just use the sentence in the above justification and say: check.

D. Sidhe: if the meds turn you into a raving lunatic Ph.D. who hate t3h v@g1naz!!1!, I’ll throw in the money for new medication.

Seriously.

Oh my holy hell. This guy is nuttier than… Everything. That’s it. Just, nuttier than anything, ever. Who in their right minds would ever allow internet access in an asylum? Because that’s obviously what’s going on here…

If I start hating t3h v@g1naz!!1!, I think I can safely say that there will be a line of women offering to help out with the new meds, if only for old times’ sake. My partner can take up a collection.

For the record, I am, conservative estimate, 23% nuttier than Dr Mike. But I try not to take it out on other people, which may be the difference. It’s the mean, not the crazy, that makes him what he is.

When asked about the lack of evidence supporting Darwinism – the fossil record, etc.

I hear ya Mike! That lack of fossils does plague us zoologists so! Gawd! If we could just find some feathered dinosaur-like fossils in, say, China it sure would help the dinosaur-to-bird connection.

Man, if we could just find some fossils in, say, Pakistan which show a clear pathway to that whole whale evolution thing, it would be super swell!

And boy, if we could just find a series of hominid fossils, especially one that has a cranial capacity of something like a chimpanzee, but is clearly bipedal (I think we would call her Lucy), well praise Cheezes, that would make our day.

Instead we’re stuck with a massive fossil record, highly consistant around the globe, that shows a vast array of species arising and vanishing over, what appears to be, billions of years.

The only explanation, of course, is a divine global flood that lasted 40 days and 40 nights, which carefully sorted through the dead creatures (floods are notorious for their meticulous sorting) and deposited them in thousands of discrete, non-overlapping layers.

Anyway, I don’t think we really “know” what Mike’s life is like. Oh sure, he writes about his “life”, but someone needs to tell him his “if I was in charge” jack-off fantasies don’t count.

It’s the mean, not the crazy, that makes him what he is.

As someone who is on occasion nuttier* than a Promise Keepers convention, thank you for the insight, D. Sidhe. There’s just something about Mikey’s brand of crazy that amplifies the meanness to make the comparative meat by-product of loonitude.

I wonder if ArmourStar (of “Potted Meat Food Product” infamy) can package that in a can?

(* = I said “nuttier”, not “loonier”. Think about it. It helps if your mind is in the gutter.)

Speaking of Dr. Mikes ’speeches’, do you really think anyone has ever paid him to lecture anywhere?
BTW: My definition of Feminist is “Equal pay for equal work”.

Feminism is a minority social movement, whose members murder innocent children in order to obtain sexual gratification.

So feminists are the witch in Hansel and Gretel?

Which would make “Patch” Adams here…what? The last kid into the oven?

That Dr. Mike is one sick, sorry little man. I mean, sheesh, how terrified/disgusted/contemptuous of “Feminists” can a guy be? What is it about the penis that fucks some guys up so bad?

Mike, as a fellow male nerd may I just say: Grow the fuck up shrivel dick! I don’t know how you W-o-P folks stomach him, but I love ya’ for it.

Oops! It should say “W-o-C’ not “W-o-P” I’m not secretly racist against Italians. Really!

Because I go along with this evolution business, I’m allowed “to copulate with as many people as possible without feeling guilty”? Charles Darwin, father of the sexual revolution.

The ID people can promote their spurious textbooks as much as they like… they can demand ‘equal time’ with scientific theories… but when the chips are down, and susceptible teenage minds are at risk, we Darwinians can tip the balance with the ‘guilt-free sex’ argument.
I think this calls for a “Heh-heh-heh.”

Which would make “Patch” Adams here…what? The last kid into the oven?

Okay, that was hilarious.

And, sorry tECHIDNA, even after the “t3h v@g1naz!!1!” bit, I still didn’t have my mind sufficiently in the gutter to spot the nut joke. In my defense, it’s another allergic reaction to Dr Mike.

Someone with an advanced degree who doesn’t believe in darwinism but pretends to in order to get laid…..makes ya wonder what dating service he’s using, is that really on the questionnaire?
Maybe it’s more like someone who doesn’t believe in human compassion but pretends to in order to get elected….one set of beliefs that govern your everyday actions, and another you’ll turn to when the shit hits the fan.

[…] I would write more, but that would actually require me to read Mike’s column, so you should just go here instead. Per usual, Mike is responding to yet another feminist bull-dyke stripper abortionist named Daisy who either approached or emailed him and yet again confirmed that all feminists are crazy bull-dyke stripper abortionists, but who also imparted upon him the wisdom that feminist bull-dyke stripper abortionists have sex with anything in sight so that they can get pregnant and have hundreds of orgasms at Planned Parenthood. Really. It’s turning into the latest teenage sex craze. It’ll be in Dear Abby next week. […]

the “right to control her body” argument […] is invariably motivated by nothing more than lust

I can understand the good doctor’s thought processes only if I imagine that he sees everything — even adult issues like access to abortion — through the mental lens of a 15-year-old guy, for whom “the right to control my body” is motivated by nothing more than lust.
“It’s mine, and I’ll wash it as fast as I like!”

Holy crap . . . if he’s talking about a Catholic college in Spokane, he must mean Gonzaga. I went there for two years before transferring, in part because of the extremely conservative atmosphere. If I wasn’t convinced before that he was hallucinating these things, this would cinch it for me. It is a nice school and many of the priests have a great social justice bent, but liberal and feminist are not words I would ever use to describe the student body.

The livid lib was upset because I referred to college professors who support speech codes as “dope smoking hippies who dropped too much acid in the 60s.”

By implying that a large amount of acid was required to make sense of the speech codes, I was simply making a joke. I was also drinking wine that night before the speech but that’s okay because the audience was Catholic.

I always laugh at folks like this.

Gozanga?!

…what was i going to say, sorry, i got distracted. oh yeah: FREAKS!! the world is full of FREAKS!!!

I should put out, for the benefit of our readers who came in late: these are the jokes, people.

Really, scott, I’d much rather you point out, to be honest. Especially if Dr. Adams is involved.

Spirula:

…[a fossil hominid] that has a cranial capacity of something like a chimpanzee, but is clearly bipedal (I think we would call her Lucy)….

Obviously, short for Lucifer, in honor of the kind of influence she would have on this world! Good thing she doesn’t exist, eh?

“If you don’t think Dr. Mike is funny, it’s because you were molested as a child, and you’re a sociopath.”
I dunno…I think being a sociopath is the main requirement for thinking he IS funny.

If you don’t think Dr. Mike is funny, it’s only because you were molested as a child, and you’re a sociopath

Oh, I think Dr. Professor Mike is funny all right. But it’s funny-sad, not funny-haha.

I think it takes real skill to write the sort of column that Dr Mike has apparently written. What sort of commitment is required to think up all these imaginary people (could he be sued if he actually ever named one of them?) and then pile ever more absurd claim on top of claim. The cumulative effect is awesome!!

Either that, or he is a complete idiot, I suppose.

However, the serious side of the conservative blogosphere is also discussing feminist issues - have a look at the discussion of comparable worth at http://gregmankiw.blogspot.com/

The comments certainly show a keen and informed appreciation of the issues!

Me old mum used to say that she believed that the Dr. Mikes of the world are secretly, deeply, convinced that if their own mothers had had access to abortion, poor baby doctor Mike would never have been born. I’m willing to bet mommy issues played a role in his ginormous mysogeny. It would be interesting to know what sort of childhood he had.

I never saw that as a compelling argument, Candy. I mean, if your blastocyst gets aborted, you might just get shuffled back into the pile. It might just be the pagan/reincarnation thing, but “OMG, what if you’d been aborted?” has never struck me as all that relevant.

So what if I had? So what if the little sperm-me never found the egg? So what if the egg never implanted? What would it honestly matter? Some other sperm and egg combo might have done a lot better for the world, or a lot worse, though it’s likely that person would have been just as universally insignificant as this one, but since we can’t know, does it matter at all?

Let’s face it, you’ve already taken the single slot millions of other sperm wanted, so what makes your clump of cells so special? Or are we all just inadvertent serial killers, mass sibling murderers? If you start screwing around with “But it’s really a baby!”, we’re all in trouble.

I think your mom’s right about what drives some people, people, on the whole, with massive egos and vestigial senses of perspective, with a self-perceived existential significance that encompasses the entire universe.

Dr Mike, for example.

Unfortunately I have to seriously disagree with what has been said here:

“You know how the ghosts of all those animals you’ve killed on canned hunts will gather around your bed in the middle of the night and stare at you in mute reproach, their silvery blood puddling beneath them until it looks like the entire floor is covered in a pool of mercury? Don’t you hate that?”

That’s not bad, that’s comedy gold. There’s nothing like a bit of surrealist comedy to brighten the day. But I wish Professor Dr. Mike Adams was just a joke, it’s baffling that anyone can be that stupid.

Yeah, but that joke was from Scott, not Dr Mike. Scott’s a professional. Dr Mike was flunked out of Knock Knock Kindergarten.

Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Those who would quibble with this assertion…
Bugger off, Dr Mike, you sound like a character from Tristam Shandy.

You better be careful. Don’t forget, Dr. Mike almost beat up someone for insulting his wife.
He might almost beat you up, too.

Mike Adams, Ann Althouse, Glenn Reynolds…holy sheepdoodle! How do these people get degrees, let alone teaching positions in university? My DOG has better thought processes than these idiots.

Oh, I think Dr. Professor Mike is funny all right. But it’s funny-sad, not funny-haha.

Left by Realist

I think funny-creepy is a bit more accurate…

So what if I had? So what if the little sperm-me never found the egg? So what if the egg never implanted?

What if mom had thrown up before the eighth drink, instead of after sex?

Heh, merlallen, I have a feeling Scott has nailed Dr Mike’s fighting style with this: a conservative who sneaks onto the practice field at night and stabs the tackling dummy in the back with a screwdriver, then tells all his friends he won a bar fight.

That was beautiful, btw.

And, Bill, It occurred to me later that you probably didn’t mean “surprised” by astounded, as I know you’ve seen this kind of crap out of this kind of person before, and have been extremely persuasive on the subject of what’s wrong with it. It’s definitely possible to be shocked without being startled, and I know that, even if my braincells don’t always line up behind my fingers in an orderly fashion when I go to type something.

Wow. Haven’t been here in a while, so I had almost forgotten Dr. Mike. Same ol’ fucktard, I see.

Something to say?