Female, male…Can they get along, without driving each other crazy?

Riley:

“Guns don’t kill people — looks kill people.  Fortunately for you, I have my eyes set on Stun.”

Moondoggie:

“You ever have one of those days where you just can’t get the Old Spice theme out of your head…?”

Wild Things | 14 Comments »

As Scott mentioned previously, the sequel to Better Living Through Bad Movies is coming along nicely, in that Scott has done some excellent work for it and I have thought about doing some work. Actually, Scott and I have discussed some categories and some movies that may offer valuable life lessons for you, the person in need of valuable life lessons. And just today, an email from the American Family Association made me realize that Scott and I have neglected a substantial market share: REAL people.

Here they are! REAL movies for REAL families

All you imaginary families will probably want to check out fake movies like The Mutants of 2051 AD and Gandhi II.

And hey, as we learned recently from Mr. Medved, same-sex couples aren’t REAL families, families without children aren’t REAL families, and presumably families where the fathers don’t sport dopey mustaches aren’t REAL families, so I guess you people should just move along.

No profanity, no inappropriate conduct, no gratuitous violence!

Because REAL families in REAL life never face any of that kind of stuff.

REAL families want REAL movies! The ones that actually depict REAL life, REAL places and REAL situations.

This is the reason that The Hills was so popular.

Here are just a few of the many family-friendly movies available right now in the AFA Online Store

Time Changer

The year is 1890 and Bible Professor Russell Carlisle has written a new manuscript. His book is about to receive an unanimous endorsement from the board members at Grace Bible Seminary until his colleague, Dr. Norris Anderson, has a “difficulty with something.” Dr. Anderson believes what Carlisle has written could greatly affect future generations. Using a secret time machine, Anderson sends Carlisle over 100 years into the future, offering him a glimpse of where his beliefs will lead.

“A secret time machine”? Yes, that sounds really REAL.

Fireproof

Caleb’s dad challenges him to a forty day experiment: The Love Dare. Will he be able to demonstrate love to a person who constantly rejects his love?

The Ted Haggard story.

Anyway, the email mentions several other REAL movies, but this one from the store piqued my interest:

Hollywood and God

Did you know that there was a time when the entertainment industry was bound by a code that forbade them from using any blasphemy in a movie?

It was the time of the Code of No Swears, the golden age of Hollywood.

The “Hays Code” stated:

Pointed profanity–this includes the words “God,” “Lord,” “Jesus,” “Christ” (unless used reverently), “H*ll,” “S.O.B.,” “d**n,” or every other profane or vulgar expression, however used–is forbidden.

And because back then you could go to movies and never hear a “H*ll,” nobody ever went there, not knowing where it was.

Hollywood is no longer restricted by the code. Many of today’s movies don’t simply blaspheme the name of Jesus. They go one further.

They blaspheme the name of Jesus’ dog.

For example, the award-winning Blow, directed by Ted Demme, is a typical R-rated film. The name of Jesus Christ is blasphemed eleven times in the movie. Three of those times, for some reason, the “F” word is used in the middle of His name.

REAL families have no idea what the “F” word is, so you can see why they don’t relate to these kinds of movies.

So, how can you (as one person), make a difference and influence the powerful Goliath of the entertainment industry? The answer is in your own hands.

I (as one person) currently have a cat in my own hands. So, I guess the answer is: Throw cats at Goliath!

In 2005, roughly $8.8 billion was spent on movie tickets in the U.S. How much of $8.8 billion do you think came from those who call themselves Christians?

I worked my way though college working for a movie theater. I have fond memories of asking patrons if they wanted an Adult, Child, Senior Citizen, or Christian ticket. So, I would guess that about $7 billion of that sum came from those who call themselves Christians.

According to The Barna Group, it was a massive $6.94 billion.

I was close!

Over 70% of the box office intake comes from people of faith.

Of course, Jews, Hindus, Moslems, etc. have no faith, so we don’t care what kind of moves THEY see.

With more than 170 million professing Christians in America, we have a sling that has the power to hit the “dark side” of Hollywood between the eyes

So, the “dark side” of Hollywood is its nose?

. . .and leave a deep impression on its money-making mind.

Simply stop paying to see blasphemous movies

Sneak in through the emergency door!

and support the ones you know are good. My goal isn’t to clean up movies. That will never happen unless there is a Christian revival in Hollywood.

Or until we return to the golden age of the Hays Code, when studios were run by Jews.

In the meantime, I just want them to stop their blasphemy.

For a guy whose goal isn’t to clean up movies, he seems to want a lot.

They are causing an entire generation to hate Christianity, and to use the name of Jesus Christ to express disgust.

Yes, Hollywood is to blame for all of this.

Order your DVD today.
Suggested Donation: $5.00
On Sale For: $4.00

Maybe it’s just me, but I already have such strong mental images of the characters and the action of Hollywood and God, that I fear the DVD will be a disappointment.

Anyway, I am planning on next doing either Clash of the Titans or Percy Jackson: The Lightening Thief for the
book. Which one would be considered the most REAL?

UPDATE: When I went back to the store, I noticed a DVD that seems like a must see!

They’re Coming to Your Town

Residents of the small Arkansas town of Eureka Springs noticed the homosexual community was growing. But they felt no threat. They went about their business as usual. Then, one day, they woke up to discover that their beloved Eureka Springs, a community which was known far and wide as a center for Christian entertainment–had changed. The City Council had been taken over by a small group of homosexual activists.

Eeek! They’re here already! You’re next! You’re next, You’re next…! Keep watching the sky!

The Book | 49 Comments »

Radio talk show host and Townhall columnist Michael (“Let a wince be your umbrella”) Medved is clearly alarmed by a new poll which shows, for the first time, that a majority of Americans now favor marriage equality.  Fortunately, he has an innate degree in Natural Law, and presumably at some point passed the Natural Bar Exam, which entitles him to overrule Judge Vaughn Walker’s 136-page decision, because it was composed on a computer or other infernal device, and printed on paper, rather than hand-carved in basalt tablets like the Decalogue.

Gay Marriage Myths and Truth

The decision by federal judge Vaughan Walker to invalidate California’s Proposition 8 both recycles and revives some of the tired, misleading clichés regarding the same sex marriage controversy. These distortions demand direct, concise correction and rebuttal.

1. “Proposition 8 was a mean-spirited ban on gay marriage.”

And these direct, concise corrections apparently demand made-up quotes to rebut.

TRUTH: Proposition 8 banned nothing.

The fact that gay and lesbians couples were legally prevented from getting married after Proposition 8 passed is a coincidence.  If you bothered to investigate the facts, you’d see that so many gay couples tied the knot during the five months when marriage equality was the law in California, they they exhausted the state’s supply of tiny groom-shaped cake toppers, because they were going through them at twice the normal rate!

Not sure what happened with the lesbians.  Maybe a new season of Ice Road Truckers started, or something.

The ubiquitous headlines describing this voter-mandated change in the California constitution as a “gay marriage ban” amount to the worst example of journalistic malpractice in recent years.

Even worse than when all those reporters uncritically passed on Administration claims that Saddam Hussein was gay marrying Kurds in his rape rooms!

The entire proposition consisted of only fourteen words: “Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.”

Whereas the notorious “Three-fifths compromise,” required 54 words to declare that slaves were only fractionally human; so say what you want about the ways in which the American political class has degenerated since the days of the Founding Fathers, at least our bigots are terse.

This simple statement imposes no restrictions and issues no commands regarding the behavior of private citizens: it merely demands a change in the actions of government.

From mandating equal protection to requiring discrimination against a portion of its citizenry.  But it was approved by California voters, and in a democracy, the government should reflect and uphold the prejudices of the people.  Otherwise, people have to discriminate individually, face-to-face, and even a libertarian would find that exhausting.

Proposition 8 did nothing to interfere with gay couples in registering for state-recognized civil unions, participating in church or civil ceremonies consecrating their love, forming life-time commitments, raising children, or concluding comprehensive contractual arrangements to share all aspects of life and property. The proposition simply says that government will not get involved in any of these private or public processes by calling such relationships a marriage.

The government isn’t getting involved in the personal lives of homosexuals, it’s just telling them that they can’t get married unless it’s to a chick.  Or a dude in the case of lesbians, although a majority of California voters are in favor of allowing an opposite-married lesbian to keep her female partner, so long as the honeymoon is streamed over the internet, and at a some point the groom shows up to deliver a pizza.

2. “Proposition 8 singled out gays and lesbians for discriminatory treatment.”

TRUTH: The proposition never mentioned gays, lesbians or any other individuals, whatever their sexual orientation. It didn’t discriminate among individuals; it drew distinctions among relationships.

Exactly.  In California, “a miscegenation law passed in 1901 [made it] unlawful for white persons to marry ‘Mongolians,’” and while the intention of state legislators was to prevent caucasians from wedding Chinese immigrants or Chinese-Americans, if you look at the law itself, it’s plain that it only prohibits intermarriage between white people and yurt residents from Ulaan Bator.

Under the proposition, a gay male and a straight male would face exactly the same options in marriage—free to choose any woman who is not already married or a blood relative.

For the same reason, a proposition criminalizing abortion would not be unduly burdensome to women, because any man terminating his pregnancy would be subject to the very same legal sanctions.

The fact that the gay man won’t want to marry any of the women available to him doesn’t change the fact that he and his straight neighbor face precisely the same opportunities and restrictions in their marital choices.

This is the well-established Common Law legal principle known as merda durus, or “tough shit.”

3. ”Failure to sanction gay marriage is based on the assumption that “same sex couples simply are not as good as opposite sex couples.” (This language appears verbatim in the judge’s decision).

Oh, you mean you’re going to address an actual argument against Prop 8, rather than slap-fighting with your My Size Wicker Man doll?  I feel refweshed.

TRUTH: Opposition to government sanction of gay marriages isn’t based on the notion that opposite sex couples are “better,” but on the idea that they are more consequential, and serve an important social purpose more effectively.

“We’re not saying straight people are better than gays.  We’re just saying they’re more important.”

Laws in every state recognize the desirability that children should be raised by their biological parents, wherever possible.

And yet, despite the clarity of the law, the state failed to make my parents stay together and raise me.  I believe this is because straight marriage had a monopoly at the time, and if some gay marriages had been thrown into the mix, it would have introduced an element of healthy competition that would have required my parents to provide better services in order to maintain their market share.

This is based on the universal, common sense assumption

…that slavery is God’s will, and a menstruating woman is leaking demons.

that a child generally will fare best if it is raised by both its birth mother and birth father.

And a Townhall columnist will find it easier to meet his word count if he just squats above his keyboard and craps out random sentences and undigested kernels of wingnut propaganda, rather than sit there, staring at his screensaver, while his brain grunts and sweats over an argument.

4. “Recognizing gay marriage would do nothing to harm existing opposite sex marriages.”

TRUTH: The problem with government endorsement of same sex marriage isn’t damage it would do to current heterosexual couples, but the profound change it would bring to the institution of marriage itself.

“Fine, marriage equality won’t affect society except to make it a little more just and a little less hypocritical.  But we are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.”

In every civilization known to historians and anthropologists, marriage involves the union of man and woman–

–or a man and several women.  But the important thing is, if you marry a woman, her dad owes you two goats or one cow, so if you currently reside in an apartment building with a strict pets policy, you should probably just live together.

and the recognition that combining the two genders produces a durable unit

Almost half the time!

that is very different from any all-male or all-female combination.

For instance, they tend to fight more over what movie to go see.

The argument for gay marriage depends on the discredited and destructive idea that men and women are identical—that your marriage will be the same whether you select a male or female partner.

Actually, I doubt that any two heterosexual marriages are identical.  But it seems to me the argument for marriage equality depends on the self-evident notion that both gays and straights are human beings with an equal capacity and need for love.  And if you think that’s a “discredited and destructive idea,” then you’re clearly a hate-ridden little sociopath who ought to have his own marriage license — if not his birth certificate — revoked.

Gay marriage also separates the institution of marriage from the process of childbearing

As seen in the book, Heather Has No Mommies.

at a time when we need to reaffirm that children fare best within a marriage, and marriage becomes more significant when it produces children.

My marriage sucks, apparently.

5. “Denying marriage rights to same sex couples is the equivalent of denying marriage rights to inter-racial couples before 1967.”

TRUTH: The old and hateful laws barring interracial marriage directly discriminated against individuals based on their race—a discrimination explicitly prohibited by the Constitution.

Yeah, it was great how they finally got around to adding that to the Constitution in 1870.  And it was a mere 97 years before it took effect.  Where’s the fire, homos?

The language of the Constitution never mentions (or even hints at) similar protection for sexual orientation. Before Loving v. Virginia struck down the evil anti-miscegenation laws, such legislation treated a black man and a white man completely differently: the African-American couldn’t marry a white woman, but the white guy could. As noted above, under Proposition 8 a lesbian woman got exactly the same marriage options as a heterosexual woman; there was no potential mate that the straight woman could choose, but the gay woman couldn’t.

This same argument was used in favor of those “old and hateful “laws,” since “miscegenation laws punished both the black and white partners to an interracial marriage, they affected blacks and whites ‘equally.’”  And of course, black people had the same right as whites to marry, so long as their intended spouse was another black person.  But sometimes your life partner doesn’t appear on the government-approved menu:  ”Justice Roger Traynor flatly rejected the shopworn claim that miscegenation laws applied ‘equally’ to all races. ‘A member of any of these races,’ Traynor explained, ‘may find himself barred by law from marrying the person of his choice and that person to him may be irreplaceable.”

And what do you want to bet, Michael, that before “the evil anti-miscegenation laws” were struck down, there were people whose opinions and religious convictions were roughly analogous to yours, who published articles and pamphlets that offered the TRUTH about racially mixed marriages, and why all the arguments in favor of overturning anti-miscegenation laws were just a bunch of “myths.”

6. “Any gay marriage ban is an invasion of privacy.”

TRUTH: Actually, opposition to gay marriage involves the defense of privacy from governmental intrusion, not any sort of intimate assault. The drive to mandate gay marriage demands a vast expansion of governmental involvement into same sex relationships – relationships in which the right bureaucratic policy would be strict neutrality. Proposition 8 mandated no change in private relationships and only an alteration in public policy.

You queers don’t want to get on the grid, do you?  Go Galt now, while you still can!

7. “Governmental recognition for gay marriage is necessary to end oppression of gay people.”

TRUTH: All Studies and surveys indicate that gay people in America hardly constitute an oppressed minority; on average, they enjoy higher levels of education and income than the heterosexual majority.

“Just because the Jews can’t vote or own property doesn’t mean they’re not making a killing in the shmatte trade.”

This is like saying Feminism was necessary to stop women from being burned at the stake as witches

I bet you girls are feeling a little silly now about all that unnecessary bra smoke you inhaled.

Even in the federal trial just concluded, the plaintiffs’ attorneys presented abundant evidence of the remarkable success and eminence of homosexual couples in the United States. The undeniable fact that gay people have achieved these personal and communal victories even without gay marriage, is an indication that the traditionally privileged position for heterosexual marriage hasn’t blocked homosexuals from successful participation in every aspect of American life.

Do you deny that Negroes are amongst our most successful and respected minstrel show performers?  And just try getting a job as a Pullman porter when you’ve got red hair and freckles!

Nice job, Michael.  On the Giant Flaming Strawman Scale you scored…

A Screaming Christopher Lee with Hair Standing on End.  A very solid showing.  Congratulations!

Teh GAYZ! | 24 Comments »

Doug Giles is not only a Townhall columnist, father of a cosplay hooker and real life famewhore, and painter of Jesus genitals, he’s also the chief pastor of a church which magically appears, like Brigadoon, once a week in the Royal Palms Ballroom of the Aventura Residence Inn, then just as swiftly vanishes and is immediately being replaced by the Association of Industrial Metallizers, Coaters and Laminators (AIMCAL) conference, which is why the congregation had to be out by noon this week, so the hotel staff could set up the buffet table and an overhead projector.

Today’s sermon is entitled, “Pull my finger!”

The Separation Between Muslims and Taste

Building a mosque at Ground Zero is like OJ’s mom putting a glamour shot of Orenthal over Nicole Brown’s gravestone. In other words, it’s very wrong and extremely disgusting, as every person with a lick of decency would agree.

Doug violently objects to Muslims’ taste, to which I can only say, “stop licking them.”

What’s next, Awad?  Are you going to demand a Nidal Malik Hasan Avenue on Ft. Hood’s military base? What about an Abdulmutallab Upgrade Package on Northwest Airlines?

I don’t know, Doug.  Does your church have a Timothy McVeigh Memorial Daycare Center?

To me, the question is not if a mosque could be built right next to the place where Muslims slaughtered 3,000 innocent people, but should it be built.  The “no duh” answer to that insane inquiry is: Hell no, it should not be erected because that is simply gross.

Yep, and I suppose the Israelis should probably tear down the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, since it was built on the bones of Jewish and Muslim men, women, and children who were murdered by Crusaders after the Siege of Jerusalem.  And speaking of “gross,” Doug…please don’t ever say “erected.”

Yet only people who actually give a rat’s backside about what others think could understand or answer such a question … which excludes Muslims.

If only Middle Eastern culture had kept abreast of Western social advancements, they might have developed the concept of “shame.”  Oh sure, we would’ve had to deal with the occasional honor killing, but at least their women wouldn’t always be flaunting their hair.   Anyway, the great thing about Muslims not caring what other people think is, that’s 1.57 billion people who will never ask you if these pants make their ass look big.

In one of the most insensitive acts known to mankind, the “Religion of Peace” blows off courtesy, decorum and the feelings of the vast majority of Americans by establishing a mosque next to the same chunk of soil upon which their Jihadists shed American blood. How quaint. And … how telling.

It’s almost like they don’t even care about our bigots!

The irony in this Islamic insult is the nine years of living hell the daft and duplicitous NYC bureaucrats have been giving St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church in getting their church rebuilt after the Twin Towers flattened it on 9/11. But those same NYC bureaucrats are giddy as schoolgirls in erecting a mega-mosque to Mohammed on that macabre scene.

Well, “mega-mosque” isn’t exactly accurate, since “the space would be divided into a prayer space for Muslims and include meeting spaces, meditation rooms, a memorial dedicated to 9/11, a spa, basketball court, swimming pool, auditorium, and classrooms offering everything from digital photography to language classes, all open to the public. The entire facility would also be green and include a garden.”

But there’s an Embassy Suites three blocks away, so why couldn’t they just put all that stuff in the Hudson Ballroom on the Mezzanine Level?  After all — and who would know this better than Pastor Giles? — it works for churches, which are all basically like the Tardis (for much of the medieval era the Cathedral of Notre Dame was just a kiosk, and had to share space with a locksmith and a discount Jester supply shop).

This is sick, twisted, rancid, pathetic, profane and offensive in the extreme.

Yep.  As Giles columns go, this one pretty much covers the checklist.

But this is what they historically do. Muslims see our 3,000 murdered citizens as a conquest to be celebrated, so they’re going to memorialize their bloody victory by establishing a mosque in honor of that sad morning.

You can’t argue with history, and who can forget that when Sultan Mehmed II conquered Constantinople in 1453, his first act was to build a half-court and shoot a game of H.O.R.S.E. using Theophilus Palaeologus’s inflated bladder.

Whiny Islam says we must not draw any offensive cartoons and must remove Jell-O from public schools because of trace pork products; they demand people be fired for bringing BLTs to eat at lunch

Those whiny bitches could certainly take a tip from Doug’s dignified, uncomplaining stoicism.

they want to rename our wars and re-write our history because it wounds their sensitive psyches

Maybe they’re just Texans.

and in return they want to jam a 13-story, 100 million dollar Ground Zero mosque up our tailpipe.

That sound you just heard was Freud’s prosthetic jaw bouncing off the floor.

I’m calling on all contractors far and wide to boycott the building of this insult.

And I’m sure every builder in the Tri-State Area would prefer to sacrifice a multi-million dollar contract rather than take the chance that your Folicure Texturizing Gel will spontaneously combust.

In addition, I’d like Donald Trump to outbid this imam and build a 15-story monument in the shape of a gargantuan middle finger wrapped in the America flag as a symbolic gesture to all our enemies—both foreign and domestic—of what we think about people who mess with America and that for which it stands.

(Photo from George W. Bush’s forthcoming memoir, American Hand Model.)

Can I Peek Under Your Hood? | 38 Comments »

The sequel to Better Living Through Bad Movies is coming along nicely, so Sheri and I thought we’d revive our practice of posting bits and pieces of the work in progress.  Today it’s a selection from our chapter on heroes, legends, and dummi-gods.

Trivia Time:  The Latin word for bear, ursus, comes from the Greek arktos, which means “unlubricated.”

Hercules (1983)
Directed by:  Luigi Cozzi (as Lewis Coates)
Written by:  Luigi Cozzi

The screen is black.  Sadly, it doesn’t stay that way.

An heroic anthem lumbers across the soundtrack, played by the Ambien Philharmonic Orchestra, and conducted by a slow loris.  A deep-voiced, but effeminate narrator (sort of a cross between Darth Vader and Paul Lynde) rumbles at us,

“In the beginning, before Creation, there was darkness.”

$1.75 worth of Black Cat firecrackers explode, indicating that the Big Bang has occurred, and getting some flakes of charred paper stuck on the camera lens.

“From the primordial explosion,” Darth Lynde explains, “Emerged the Fire of Chaos.”  At this performance, the Fire of Chaos will be played by a Kingsford Charcoal Briquet, confirming Stephen Hawking’s theory that the Universe has no boundary in space-time, and that its edges light quickly.

“Chaos merged with Darkness, and from this union were born the elements:  Night, day, matter, and air.”

We’re pretty sure that Night and Day are not elements; nevertheless, we’re willing to split the difference and agree that out of the Primordial Darkness and the Fiery Chaos of Creation, there emerged a pretty catchy Cole Porter tune.

“Then,” the Dark Lord of the Lisp continues, “Out of this misty radiance of the cosmos, there came forth a jar. Golden and glittering.  Pandora’s Jar.”

Pandora’s Jar?  I thought she had a box.  (I know, I know, that’s what she said.)

Then some Minoan hillbillies put Pandora’s Jug on a fence post and take pot shots at it.  It blows up real good.

“From the fragments of the Jar, the planets and the solar system were formed.”  So according to the filmmakers, the Ancient Greeks attributed the origin of the cosmos to the Pottery Barn Rule:  You break it, you create the universe.

Due to layoffs and budget cutbacks, the Greek pantheon has been reduced to three gods, and outsourced to the moon.  This understaffed celestial call center is ruled by Zeus, father of gods and men, lord of creation, and judging by his wig and beard, an off-season Salvation Army Santa with one of those crowns you get when you taste Imperial margarine.

The gods live in a crater, in the middle of an open air (or open vacuum) temple which recalls the majestic architecture of Classical Greece; except the columns look like giant plaster dildos, and appear to be covered in melted wax like Chianti bottles, so it’s sort of like ancient Athens if the Parthenon were a gayer, more fetish-oriented Shakeys.

Zeus creates a champion “who is stronger and more intelligent than all other men,” a process which involves a “Spotlight Dance on Lou Ferrigno!’ while he goes through his Mr. Universe pose down routine in front a green screen.  Ordinarily this would just be horrifying, but Hercules goes the extra mile by having Lou wear a flesh-toned G-string to simulate nudity.  And for those who’ve wondered about the steroids/shrunken genitalia connection, check out the contrast between Lou’s bloated musculature and flat-front thong; it’s like someone grafted Barbie’s crotch onto a Stretch Armstrong doll.

Zeus plays flashlight tag with the earth, before depositing a glowing glob into a baby, in a scene about which the less said, the better.

Sybil Danning, who is dressed like one of King Tut’s molls from the old Batman TV show, conspires with the Captain of the Guard to kill the king and the queen, and the “little Hercules” (apparently Sybil saw Lou in his flesh colored jockstrap).

Before our regicide gets underway, however, the Captain has Viet Nam-like flashbacks to more expensive cheap Hercules movies from the 50s and 60s, with actual costumes and sets and battle scenes.

Meanwhile, an archer with a patent leather do-rag pulls a big sword out of a hibatchi and is rightwise born king of all England as soon as they invent it.

The Captain rallies his troops, and again we get a fresh perspective on the founders of Western Civilization.  In addition to their Illyrian helmets, Boeotian shields, and bronze spears, Greek soldiers were also equipped with Bedazzlers, judging by the generous use of rhinestones on their armor.  Apparently there’s a previously unnoticed footnote to the Iliad which reads, “Fashions by Bob Mackie.”

So the royal family is slaughtered, but a maid snatches up “Poor Little Prince Hercules” and flees through the forest, although according to the Foley artist she’s running through corn flakes with a goat in her arms.

She puts Baby Hercules in a boat and sends him drifting down the river, where he bumps into Moses going the other way.  The boat drifts past some View-Master slides, then goes over a waterfall, but the infant is saved at the last moment when his boat is caught in mid air by a giant cartoon hand from Monty Python.

Hera is one of the three remaining gods and is pissed that she has to work a double shift, so she sends two snakes to kill Hercules.  And when I say “snakes,” I mean “two yard long turds that have been flocked like Christmas trees and spray-painted the color of split-pea soup, then given two bicycle reflectors for eyes.”  It doesn’t work out.

Herc is plucked from the river by two Greek peasants who live in the Flintstone’s house for some reason (possibly Fred was laid off from the quarry after the transition from stone to bronze tools, and he and Wilma walked away from their mortgage.  Or maybe Dino matured into a velociraptor and learned how to open the front door).

Herc’s foster mother is barren, but likes to press the infant to her dry breast just to mess with him.  Nevertheless, he grows up into big ‘n tall Lou Ferrigno, who mercifully trades in his invisible G-string for a Naugahyde diaper.

Herc is out in the forest, harvesting Styrofoam trees, when his father is mauled by stock footage of a bear.  Hercules is so enraged that he screams and punches the camera, then throws a Build-A-Bear into orbit.  It collides with a bone hurled by a slightly more intelligent hominid from 2001: A Space Odyssey, then the murderous plush toy explodes into a Laser Floyd show, finally settling down and becoming the constellation of Ursa Major.

Meanwhile, Minos has abandoned Crete and is also now living on the Moon (it’s getting really built up over there), where he has been crowned king of an exterior set from Star Trek.  He uses the transporter to summon Dedalus, who in this version of the myth is an alien chick dressed in a plastic unitard and a shower curtain with a cellophane Dracula collar, a codpiece, green spray-painted cowboy boots, and a golden leather football helmet with fish fins.

Minos believes in Science!, so he commands Dedalus to create some mechanical monsters which can destroy Hercules.  She responds with some Mexican Day of the Dead figurines and a Millennium Falcon model someone assembled while on acid, then burned in the driveway.

Back on Earth, Hercules is plowing a field by dragging some rocks behind him.  Weaker men might have preferred to plow using something with an edge on it – like a plow – but Herc likes to flaunt his demi-godly strength, and frequently uses rocks in place of ordinary household items, like forks, or toilet paper.

Suddenly, Hercules’s friend Mulletus gallops over the hill and screams, “Your mother is in danger!”  Then he turns and trots off.   Herc’s expression is rather blank, but he undoubtedly appreciates Mullutus telling him that his mom is about to be killed.  He probably would have appreciated a ride even more.

By the time Hercules arrives, his foster mother has been killed by an infernal machine (it’s supposed to recall the mechanical owl from Clash of the Titans grown to Brobdignagian proportions, but it more closely resembles a Norelco shaver made out of Legos and despair).

After an implied fight with the Tinker Toy monster thing, Herc cremates his mother, then torches the Flintstone place.  Mulletus asks why he’s burning down his own house, and Herc replies, “I don’t have a house anymore.”  Well, no, now that you’ve just set it on fire.

Hercules goes off to audition for some king (I think his name is Brad) who’s looking for bodybuilders with a minimal amount of stage combat training.  Our hero doesn’t seem to qualify, but his Fairy Godeditor helps out by enchanting Herc’s sword, so that whenever he smacks someone it burps out a crappy video effect.

Next, Hercules must fight twenty men at once.  Unfortunately, he never learned the complicated rules of Greco-Roman wrestling, so he just picks up a giant log and crushes everybody.  Then he hurls the log into deep space, where it becomes the Duraflame constellation.

The king’s daughter Cassiopea wears a veil, because it is foretold that she will marry the first man who sees her face, or maybe because she just hasn’t waxed her mustache lately.  She’s Greek, after all.  The king subcontracts Hercules to escort Casio to Athens, but first he has to clean all the horseshit out of the stable, then see what he can do about rinsing some of it out of the script.

Herc tosses a rock into the Grand Canyon, which somehow makes the Colorado River take an elevator to the top and drown all the horses.  It also turns the stable into a sparkling gay bathhouse

The mildew-free tile and wet, dead horses arouse Calliope, and she removes her veil in slow motion.  She and Herc stare at each other blankly for a minute, then they kiss; but suddenly, a badly superimposed Zeus appears and shoots a lightning bolt at them from his forehead.  Then Sybil Danning shows up in a formal swimsuit and has the unconscious lovers taken aboard her ship.

You know those majestic triremes people in Hercules movies are always sailing around the world?  Well, they can’t afford one of those, so instead we just get to watch Herc go swimming (apparently he was thrown overboard in lieu of chum).

Herc washes ashore on that island where H.R. Puffnstuf is mayor, and is immediately molested by Witchiepoo.  She takes him to the Cave Room at the Madonna Inn and tests him for steroids and diabetes, then drinks his blood sample and transforms from a hideous crone into a beautiful maiden!  Or at least into a pleasant-looking woman in her thirties without a lot of dried rubber cement on her face.

Cut to the Los Angeles County Arboretum, where Circe (for it is indeed she!) and Hercules are standing beside a waterfall.

“This,” Herc exclaims, “is a Garden of Eden!”  Apparently it’s the beta version.

Circe was exiled to this Sandals Resort by Minos, but she can help Hercules find Callista if he will only help her to recover a lost talisman.  “We need the charm, to carry us wherever we want to go,” she tells him.  “Even to Thera!”  Which is where Sybil took the kidnapped, Chlamydia.  Unfortunately, “they threw it where no one could possible get it.”

But Hercules can get it.  All he’ll need is both hands and a flashlight…

Meanwhile, Casserole is imprisoned in one of those cardboard jails where people pay “fines” to get “bailed out” at Rotary Club fundraisers.

Circe leads Herc across the “Rainbow Bridge,” which leads to “the Gates of Hell.”  They don’t find his girlfriend or the charm, but they are greeted by lots of dead pets.

Charon, the skull-faced boatman ferries them across the Styx (at this performance the role of the River Styx will be played by a cement floor and a fog machine) to “Skull Island,” where they can presumably rescue Princess Tiger Lily.

Circe and Herc find her talisman; it’s in a big plastic Easter egg on a papier-maché nest, but it’s “protected by a triple barrier,” according to Circe.  Herc reaches for the egg, which makes his hand disappear, and weird electronic music play, so apparently two of the three barriers are a process shot and a Theremin.

Herc reaches for the egg again, and this time his arm bursts into flame and burns cheerily like the WPIX Yule Log.  Then it freezes.  Then he reaches inside the egg (which is squishy – apparently ickiness was the third barrier) and pulls out a Christmas ornament.  And just in time for the holidays!

Okay, so now they can go find Cassette, right?  Nope.  Circe uses the talisman to transport them to the set of a Beach Party movie, where Herc has to fight the King of Africa, who arrives on a sedan chair borne by the Washington Generals.

The King offers to give our hero a ride to Thera, but only if the demi-god agrees to irrigate the land, because apparently Herc went to Agricultural college.  This could take awhile, so Circe transforms Hercules into Ultraman, and he grows large and tall enough that we really can’t help but look up his skirt.  Thanks Circ.

Unfortunately, one upskirt shot and Circle falls in love with Hercules, which makes her lose all her powers.  But they accidentally arrive at their destination anyway –  “the Green Isle of Thera,” so named because everything is shot with a green filter.  And wouldn’t you know, the instant they arrive, Circe is shot with a laser by – I’m not kidding – a robot Cyclops centaur.  Hercules smacks the thing around until it makes a sound like a 1970 Plymouth Duster swallowing a valve, and then, in it’s death throes, it performs anal sex on itself with its own tail.

I’m still not kidding.

Herc breaks into the Green Lantern Corps’ central power battery for some reason, then falls down a hole.

Meanwhile, Sybil takes Cassavetes to her father, who turns out to be that Minos guy from the Moon.  He watches Herc futz around inside a snowglobe for awhile, then suddenly stands and shouts, “Science!” like Thomas Dolby if he were dressed like an Amish Burger King.

Herc wakes up chained to the floor, just as Sybil arrives with a chalice full of “The Black Lotus” and tells Herc they’re going to get high and then boink.  But for probably the first time in the history of these movies, Hercules doesn’t actually drink the roofie.  Instead, he pulls off the fake chains, and then actually fights some opponents who weren’t made out of miss-matched Aurora model kits and added later in post production.

Minos takes Cass Sunstein into Mount Doom, where he plans to stuff her into a picnic basket and lower her into the lava.  She seems okay with this, probably because the “lava” appears to be Campbell’s tomato soup on a low simmer.

Herc arrives, freshly unboinked, and goes mano a mano with Minos.  But the king is armed with a glowing, flaming, multi-colored sword that’s kind like a light saber if they came in Neopolitan flavor.

Since our two foes are elderly and lumbering, respectively, it’s not exactly the climax of the 1938 Robin Hood.  But Herc does accidentally make the volcano erupt with stock footage, setting fire to the entire island, and killing hundreds of extras from other, less cheap Hercules movies.  Castrol and Herc panic and run around the tiny set, while we cut to shots of burning Styrofoam pyramids and hear the ADR folks shrieking gamely from the looping stage.

So, Herc has managed to kill everybody on the island, but he did get the girl.  He just doesn’t seem to know what to do with her.  Mama Cassiopea tries to give him a kiss, but he deflects it and retaliates with a little pack-patting hug.  Then they suddenly shoot into the stars, where they become the Just Good Friends constellation.

Movies, The Book | 18 Comments »

Moondoggie: Rawr.  I’m attacking you.

Rawr.

Okay.  I’m spent.

Riley: Pretty scary, huh?  This is what Night of the Lepus would’ve been like in 3-D.  Yes…The only unlucky rabbit’s foot is the one that’s coming right at your face!

Wild Things | 7 Comments »

Let’s check in with Tucker Carlson’s Daily Galler (I mean, let’s not actually go there, but let’s open the email his flying monkeys sent me [actually, I don't think his monkeys can really fly, but judging by their prose style they tend to drop acid and watch Dragnet, so they probably think they can].  Anyway…).

So if I’m reading these hilarious allegories right (and admittedly the words are a little blurry when viewed through tears of laughter), then workers who vote to organize for better pay and benefits are the moral equivalent of black rats carrying a disease that killed off half of Europe.  On the other hand, the Tuckerites are more sympathetic to Feminist issues in the workplace, and regard women struggling for equal pay and opportunity as no worse than the Spanish Influenza of 1918.

As always, however, the prime similes are reserved for the President, and Tuck’s Medicated Spam does not disappoint, comparing him to a black man vaguely remembered for spousal abuse.  And therein lies the genius; most people going with the domestic abuse analogy would have compared Obama to Mel Gibson, in a pathetic attempt to keep the reference hip and topical, but if there’s one thing Tucker believes in, it’s keeping it real.

Behind the Subtext | 11 Comments »

Remember in Battlefield Earth, when the primitive, loincloth-clad humans were able to pull thousand-year old F-16s out of mothballs, fill them with aviation fuel they found somewhere, and — after a brief, tutorial slide show — take off and successfully dogfight their interstellar conquerors, even though they hadn’t yet mastered toilet paper or the pulley?  Well, just when you think the right wing blogosphere has begun running out of bizarre conspiracy theories, they suddenly dig up a 50-year old cache of crazy and start going all Top Gun on your ass.

So…Do you have strong, healthy teeth, and vague, Bolshevist yearnings?  Yeah, me too.  Turns out, Robert W. Welch, Jr. and General Jack Ripper were right, and a half century of fluoridation has left America weak, easily confused, and prey to the subversive blandishments of a Red Diaper Moor.  Oh, and the Final Solution was just a byproduct of Nazi experiments in dentifrices and aromatherapy.

At least, that’s what I’ve gleaned from the latest RenewAmerica column by Cynthia A. Janak.

Fluoride — what you do not know

As you, my readers, know, I am a very curious person and when some item catches my attention I research to find all the facts. As you can see by the title Fluoride did just that. Let me tell you why. One day I was curious when brushing my teeth as to what is in my toothpaste. What caught my eye was that there was a warning on the label. That set off the red flag as to the fact that my toothpaste has the potential to be dangerous to my health. Needless to say, I finished brushing my teeth quickly and started my research.

And research is one of Cynthia’s specialties, according to her bio:

Cynthia Janak is a freelance journalist, mother of three, foster mother of one, grandmother of five, business owner, Chamber of Commerce member. Her expertise is as an administrative professional. Her specialties are adoptee and genealogy research and research journalism. Hobbies: Writing prose, crocheting, Conservative Studies, and rehabbing houses. You can visit her website at www.cynthiajanak.com.

I paddled over to Cynthia’s site and took a quick look around, but I wouldn’t recommend getting out of the boat unless you’re interested in an administrative professional’s alarums about the HPV vaccine, and the shaky link between autism and vaccination.  But I don’t mean to denigrate Cynthia’s expertise, especially when I see that she has consulted with the FDA over the Internet!

I was part of an international effort by a group of women to bring out the truth about Gardasil and Cervarix.  The FDA gave us the opportunity to present our concerns by sponsoring a listening session webinar.   UPDATE: FDA has not responded to the concerns that were brought to their attention.

I don’t know which GS-2 at Health and Human Services drew the short stick and had to log into that chat, but I bet her inbox was remarkably clean by the end of it.

The first and only ingredient I looked at was Sodium Flouride. The reason being is that Sodium Flouride is the reason for the Warning label on my tooth paste. Here are my findings.

I’ll spare you the lengthy quotations from Wikipedia and just push on…

I just had to find out more about this because I thought my toothpaste was safe and in essence it isn’t. So why do we have fluoride in this product? I decided to go and find the history behind Fluoride and this is what I found. [...]

What interested me here was I. G. Farben. I know that I. G. Farben was the company that did the studies at Auschwitz. The other thing that interested me was about the fumes the fumes of these compounds have a pleasant, slightly aromatic odor. But a few minutes after inhalation there’s a feeling of pressure to the larynx and difficulty in breathing. I instantly thought about the gas chambers in the concentration camps. I just had to look this up to verify association.

http://www.newswithviews.com/Devvy/kidd102.htm

“To whom it may concern: I, Oliver Kenneth Goff, was a member of the Communist Party and the Young Communist League from May 2, 1936 to October 9, 1939. During this period of time, I operated under the alias of John Keats and the number 18-B-2.

Goff’ (or “Keats”) was careful to maintain his cover by never meeting directly with his NKVD handlers, instead using a Grecian urn as a dead drop.

My testimony before the Government is incorporated in Volume 9 of the Un-American Activities Report for the year 1939…”

“We discussed quite thoroughly the fluoridation of water supplies and how we were using it in Russia as a tranquilizer in the prison camps. The leaders of our school felt that if it could be induced into the American water supply, it would bring about a spirit of lethargy in the nation; where it would keep the general public docile during a steady encroachment of Communism. We also discussed the fact that keeping a store of deadly fluoride near the water reservoir would be advantageous during the time of the revolution, as it would give us opportunity to dump this poison into the water supply and either kill off the populace or threaten them with liquidation, so that they would surrender to obtain fresh water. …”

I apologize for the long excerpt, but I’m a sucker for spy novels and Cold War thrillers, especially Fleming’s The Man With The Seared Palate, about a plot by the Soviet Union to tamper with America’s stoves, so that people would overheat their Sloppy Joes, and when they’d take a bite it would burn the roof of their mouth. At the same time, Smersh agents would snatch away the victim’s beverage and refuse to give it back until they pledged allegiance to Khruschev.

I could not find any reference to this being used in the gas chambers but I did find the above reference to what they did with the water and how they used Fluoride as a tranquilizer.

1942.  At the Wannsee Conference, Dr. Josef Mengele, D.D.S., is personally chosen by Gestapo chief Reinhard Heydrich to oversee Hitler’s plan for fluoridating the Jews.

I just had to read further because I was under the impression like all of us that Fluoride was good for better teeth and less cavities. Boy, was I wrong.

“[T]he German General Staff [devised a] scheme was to control the population in any given area through mass medication of drinking water. In this scheme, sodium fluoride will in time reduce an individual’s power to resist domination by slowly poisoning and narcotising a certain area of the brain, and will thus make him submissive to the will of those who wish to govern him. Both the Germans and the Russians added fluoride to the drinking water of prisoners of war to make them stupid and docile.”

However, the plan backfired on the Nazis in late 1944.  Desperate to free up badly needed combat troops for the front, the SS recruited Cavity Creeps as prison guards, but they completely failed to intimidate the well-enameled POWs.

This just made me sit back and digest all that I have read because during the last 10–12 years people in the independent media have been complaining how apathetic the people of the United States are. In the last few years they are calling the people “sheeple.” Do you think this is why?

I imagine this is how Mr. Rogers would have sounded if he’d subscribed to The New American and saved his urine in Mason jars.  But I guess the most important lesson I’ve learned is that Americans went to the polls in 2008, like lambs to the slaughter, and elected Obama because we’ve been brainwashed over the last fifty years by our own dental hygiene.  Which means that the only people we can trust to lead us in these dark times are meth addicts.

I call shotgun on the Bandwagon.

Get the Butterfly Net! | 27 Comments »

Well, I don’t know how long we’ll be allowed to savor this victory, but I’m going to savor the hell out of it while I can.  In the meantime, Bill S. pointed us to this secret strategy video stolen from the National Organization for Marriage and released by WikiLeaks.

And in conclusion, Bill has composed a hasty but heartfelt little ditty for the occasion:

OH, HAPPY GAY
(to the tune of “Oh, Happy Day”)

Oh, happy Gay! (Oh, Happy Gay!)
Oh, happy Gay! (Oh, Happy Gay)
When bigots lost (bigots lost!)
When bigots lost (Really lost!)
Oh, when they lost (Bigots lost!)
On prop 8 today
(Oh Happy Gay)

Oh, by the way (May I say)
Oh, by the way (May I just say)
Their case was weak (Weak it was!)
Oh, lame and weak (Weak it was!)
How week it was!
Testify, Tisinai!

I hate kick someone when they’re down, but, “ suck on that!”
Unless they’re just a dumb, spiteful clown-or NOM Asshat!

Oh happy Gay (Oh happy Gay)
Oh happy Gay (Oh, happy gay)
Equality (Quality!)
Equality (Quality)
Equality (Quality)
In Cali-for-ni-a
OH HAPPY GAY!

-Bill S

Update: Our friend Evan at Truth Wins Out has a delightful compendium of anti-gay wingnuts working their bile ducts like a pump handle.

Free At Last, Guest Column | 11 Comments »

Anybody watch Rubicon on AMC the other night? It’s pretty good. It’s about an analyst at a NSA-type organization who notices some synchronicity in the world’s crossword puzzles. And then people start dying. (Damn you, NY Times!) As the promo tells us, “Not all conspiracies are theories.”

And I have to say how happy I was that Scott paid a call on our old friend Pastor Swank. It made my whole morning to read of the Pastor’s homey encounters with buns, crack, hepatitis-laden earrings, watchful librarians, and scalding spouses. (I think we now have the background we need to properly appreciate the story of how the Pastor was planning on abandoing his wife to the actions of his homicidal son and fleeing town on a Greyhound Bus.)

And speaking of crazy old guys and conspiracies, Chuck Norris has uncovered the scoop of the century: President Obama is planning on assassinating his U.S. opponents. You know, because he’s a liberal!

Obama’s US Assassination Program?

Sound too conspiratorial to be true? Like the cover-up ops of spy novels? Well, it’s reality.

And the fact that you are hearing about it from the actor who starred in Invasion USA doesn’t mean it’s not!

And it is possibly the most bizarre, inhumane and abusive way that the White House is expanding its power over the American people.

It’s even more bizarre than the federal law against growing your own tomatoes that my “Number of the Beast is Obama” relatives and acquaintances keep raving about. And it’s even more inhumane and abusive than reinstating the inheiritance tax!

It’s not an extremist belief or theory of the far right.

It’s an extremist theory of the crackpot section of a really gullible portion of the Glenn Beck wing of the wingnuts.

And it’s the gravest nightmare of U.S. citizens and abandonment of our Constitution to date: a presidential assassination program in which U.S. citizens are in the literal scopes of the executive branch based upon nothing more than allegations of terrorism involvement as the branch defines it.

It’s a little known fact that members of the elite Presidential Assassination Program find the executive branch a much deadlier weapon than the AK-47, what with its high-tech literal scope and all.

Of course, the CIA has executed covert assassinations of foreigners for decades. But tragically, Obama is expanding this program to include American, non-Islamic, stateside, homegrown terrorists.

Okay, this is the crux of Chuck’s objection to this imaginary assassination plan: not all of the people on the hit list are Muslims!!!

According to Chuck, the outlines of the conspiracy were first revealed in January, when The Washington Post reported: “As part of the operations, Obama approved a Dec. 24 strike against a (Yemeni) compound where a U.S. citizen, Anwar al-Aulaqi, was thought to be meeting with other regional al-Qaeda leaders. Although he was not the focus of the strike and was not killed, he has since been added to a shortlist of U.S. citizens specifically targeted for killing or capture.”

The horror, the horror!

“A shortlist of U.S. citizens specifically targeted for killing”?

“Or capture” Chuck. Remember to read to the end of the sentence.

That’s right. No arrest. No Miranda rights. No due process. No trial. Just a bullet.

Remember the good old days when conservatives were whining about how liberals were too soft on terrorists, what with the chicken l’orange at Gitmo. (Not to mention the wimpy way liberals were always objecting to water boarding and “24″ and such.) Well, those days are gone, and now the problem is that the Democrats AREN’T Mirandizing al-Qaeda members, which is against everything that conservatives hold dear.

Well, the real new problem is that apparently Obama has decided to kill everybody and let God sort them out. At least, that’s what Chuck has taken from some media stories that somebody in his “Birthers” news list group mentioned, or he heard about through his fillings or something.

The gist of the evidence of this conspiracy is:

A former director of national intelligence, Adm. Dennis Blair, confessed before Congress: “We take direct actions against terrorists in the intelligence community. If we think that direct action will involve killing an American, we get specific permission to do that.”

Meaning that, for instance, a strike is planned against a Yemeni compound where a U.S. citizen is thought to be plotting with al-Qaeda leaders, they need to get permission from the President before sending the missile.

If you are wondering who the “we” are to whom Adm. Blair refers, they are Smith, Wesson and the White House.

Hey, that would be a great idea for a syndicated TV show: “Now, from the producer who brought you Walker, Texas Ranger, watch out for Smith, Wesson, and the White House. They get the bad guys! No due process. No trial. Just a bullet. Coming this fall!”

Now we know what deputy national security adviser John Brennan meant when he admitted in May, “And under President Obama, we have built upon the work of the previous administration and have accelerated efforts in many areas.”

Yes, now we know. That reference to “many areas” tells it all. And it’s more horrible than we could have possibly imagined!

Brennan further explained then that the problem of homegrown terrorists ranks as a top priority because of the increasing number of U.S. individuals who have become “captivated by extremist ideology or causes.” He went on to say, “There are … dozens of U.S. persons who are in different parts of the world and … are very concerning to us.”

Do you think “different parts of the world” doesn’t include their country of origin?

And do you think that “are very concerning to us” doesn’t mean “And so we are planning on shooting them dead in their karate studios or while they sit at their typewriters working on their next Town Hall column, because we hate those stupid Tea Parties SO MUCH!”?

Anyway, there is legislation to legalize all this. As Chuck explains, there was this act, “H.R. 1955,” which was passed in the House but was rejected by the Senate.

Everyone thought that legislation was dead

. . .Cue the ominous music

. . .until the Obama administration resurrected its tenets in its 52-page “National Security Strategy,” released in May.

And because this strategy has 52-pages, no one could possible link to it, quote from it, or even cite some of its horrible tenets. So, just trust Chuck when he says that it’s been assembled from parts of dead legislation, zapped with lightening, and now IT’S ALIVE and spreading terror among the villagers!

So alarming is the feds’ potential abuse of power that officials from London to the Kremlin are recognizing the threat to U.S. citizens.

The European Union Times reported, “Foreign Ministry reports circulating in the Kremlin today are warning that an already explosive situation in the United States is about to get a whole lot worse as a new law put forth by President Obama is said capable of seeing up to 500,000 American citizens jailed for the crime of opposing their government.”

And if we can’t trust the Kremlin to tell us when we should be alarmed, then who can we trust? Well, certainly we can panic when we read an undocumented quote from a European paper stating that unnamed officials from unknown countries are warning that this law is going to cause half a million US citizens to be put in jail for opposing the government.

But I guess there is different legislation that allows the President to deal with the really annoying people via the “No due process. No trial. Just a bullet” option. Here, let him explain it himself.

President Obama explained in an often overlooked statement within the “National Security Strategy”: “We are now moving beyond traditional distinctions between homeland and national security. … This includes a determination to prevent terrorist attacks against the American people by fully coordinating the actions that we take abroad with the actions and precautions that we take at home.”

Could it be any clearer? Right out of the horse’s mouth. Or do I need to spell out what “fully coordinating the actions that we take abroad with the actions and precautions that we take at home” means?

Damn it, you heard him yourself! The President just admitted that he plans to “Fully coordinate, with extreme prejudice, the actions that we take to blow up terrorist headquarters in Afghanistan, with missile strikes at home, in downtown Los Angeles, if we feel this will prevent an attack on the American people by someone disagreeing with White House policy.” Could it be any clearer? COULD IT???

Remember the words “a shortlist of U.S. citizens specifically targeted for killing”?

That’s right. No arrest. No Miranda rights. No due process. No trial. Just a bullet.

. . .And a grave. In the Non-Islamic part of the cemetery. But no flowers. And a cut-rate funeral. With a really bad eulogy given by Pastor Swank. That’s what those on the shortlist of half a million will get. Unless somebody does something!

In Part 2 next week, I will give further evidence of “Obama’s U.S. assassination program” and explain why I say the administration is going after non-Islamic stateside radicals.

Next week is already here, and Part 2 is equally compelling. I will address it later today, or maybe tomorrow. Unless they get me first. With no arrest. And no trial. Just a bullet. And no health care. Just a Band-Aid. A generic one, from the Dollar Store.

I Cover the Wingnut World | 27 Comments »