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Bill takes a Look Back at the Year 2006, and decides that he’s made it a pretty good year.

With ten days left in the year, it’s a good time to think about what went right and what went wrong in 2006.

The absolute worst was Iraq, very troubling. I believe the USA tried to do a good thing in that country, tried to bring freedom to those people and establish a nation that would be an example to other Middle Eastern countries and fight terrorism at the same time.

You know, I might have dreamt it, but I seem to recall something about how we needed to invade Iraq because Saddam had WMDs — big, nasty, ones — and we had to take them out so that we wouldn’t be facing a mushroom cloud in America.  Hey, I know it sounds bizarre, but I could almost swear that we were told something like that.  Weird, huh?

So far we have not succeeded in doing that,

No crap, Sherlock.

even though we have liberated millions of people. The Kurds are fine in the north. Many people in southern Iraq are prospering, but we have 3,000 dead Americans and 15,000 wounded.

Not to mention a few dead and wounded Iraqis.  (Seriously, don’t mention them.) 

We have spend billions and the terrorists are still killing people. It is depressing, to say the least. So that is the big negative.

On the positive front, the economy remains strong. Most of us have comfortable lives and the culture war is turning our way.

So, the positive front kind of makes up for the negative one then, and there’s no need to figure out just why we have that depressing Iraq war, nor to assign blame or anything, nor even contemplate how Bill himself may bear a little responsibility for this big negative.  

Therefore, because we don’t like thinking about depressing stuff, let’s focus some more on Bill’s economic prosperity, and how the culture war is going his way.

“The Factor,” of course, is right in the middle of this culture war deal, and we’ve had a good year.

Forty out of 50 states now have Jessica’s Law, or a variation of it, and prosecutors tell us that judges now are very reluctant to give soft sentences to child predators. Because of “The Factor’s” aggressive coverage of loopy judges in Vermont, Ohio, Missouri and Nebraska, other judges, all over the nation, have gotten the message.

Yes, judges have decided to not be loopy anymore, and to instead send sex offenders to jail, all thanks to Bill.

And we also dealt with a number of other bad guys this year as well. O.J. Simpson got what he deserved, scorn. Air America is bankrupt. Christmas has made a big comeback from the secular assault against it. That’s all good, and we’re happy we can help.

See what a great and powerful man Bill is?  He not only saved Christmas, he also caused Air America to go bankrupt, and quashed that O.J. Simpson book/TV deal single-handedly.  So, it has been a very good year for him!

So overall 2006 is a mixed bag. The War on Terror has been challenging. The culture war a bit better. 2007, we’re ready for the fight.

Yes, now that Bill has everything well in hand here in the U.S., he is reporting for combat duty in Iraq, so he can turn around that war the same way he did the culture war.  You heard it here first.

Most Ridiculous Item of the Day

In May of 2004, actor Sylvester Stallone came on “The Factor” with an interesting story. He was being prevented from making another sequel of his “Rocky” series by a Hollywood big shot

[snip transcript of interview clip]

O’REILLY: Well, soon after that interview things turned around. The movie got made, and we were happy if they helped.

Now the “Rocky” movie, the sequel, is out this week, and we wanted to talk to Mr. Stallone about his odyssey, but his people turned us down.

Now we’re not mad. He’s a busy guy these days. But it is ridiculous. Always remember, you dance with the one who brung you.

That’s another feather in Bill’s 2006 cap: he forced Hollywood to let Stallone make his “Old Rocky” movie!  But now ol’ Sly is a little too big for his britches, and won’t dance with Bill, even though Bill took him to the prom.  Metaphor, or “Brokeback Mountain” story for the new year?  YOU make the call!

18 Responses to “Our Savior, Bill O’Reilly”

Ah, Billy Boy…now that Rush stands naked before us* as a pathetic, hypocrite drug addict, you must be our Grand TeeVee Jester of the Reight. And you’re doin’ a heck of a job. Have a falafel.

*Yeah, well…just be thankful you don’t actually have to see that image in the flesh.

Off-topic: just go ahead and bookmark “Mallard Fillmore” if you haven’t already, friends, and I’ll stop running around in circles yipping like an excited Chihuahua. Given a two-week lead time (most cartoonists turn in their strips that far in advance), Sunday’s strip was probably the first one Bruce Tinsley finished after his drunk-driving arrest became public. (And yes, I’m a bitter bastard who’s enjoying every second of his pain.)

Sunday: Martyr, martyr, martyr! (Say it “Brady Bunch” style.) Thank God for American freedom to worship as one pleases (well, except for “them,” we should lock “them” up)!

Monday: Dare to say “Merry Christmas!” Defy the persecution of the true believers in America! Where is freedom of religion in America today?

Tuesday and Wednesday: badly-drawn cows and elephants illustrating incoherent nonsense, both introduced by a duplicated splash panel of Mallard…boozing it up.

Bruce Tinsley’s falling apart.
(cackles and rubs hands in sinister glee)

let me see now- murdering two people, confronting your ex-wife (someone you once said “I love you” to) and some guy who just happens to be a that wrong place at the wrong time, and slashing them both to ribbons= people on Air America SAYING THINGS wee Billy dosn’t like; equally guilty, equally to be condemned. Oh, and not saying “Merry Christmas”, all same.
Right-wing logic- its like food-poisoning of the mind.

A roman a clef regarding Bill O’Reilly

OJ didn’t get away with murdering two people, because he got “scorn”. Of course, to Bill here, scorn is the worst thing in the world.
Also, now we know who to blame for the new Rocky movie. More scorn!

Reminds me of a widely circulated study that showed that women’s deepest fear was of being attacked and raped, and men’s deepest fear was having a woman laugh at his sexual equipment and/or performance. So, “scorn,” watch out for those feminazis, huh?

I’ve always wanted to have O.J. attacked by an angry mob at KFC, armed only with sporks. Imagine how many puncture wounds it would take to kill him!

Note Mallard Fillmore’s source in the cow one: “UN.org”

Way to be specific there, champ.

Once, I spent an hour just trying to figure out whether then source in this October 1st strip said what he claimed it did.

After all that time, I was able to come up with a definitive answer of “maybe”.

The whole thing is here if you want the long, sordid story.

Someday I fully expect Tinsley to have a strip that says, “Source: The Internet” or “Source: Books”.

We celebrate when people we disagree with have financial trouble? Not silenced, mind you–AirAm is still very much on the air–but just having issues with its creditors. I mean, we didn’t celebrate when O’Reilly was hit with a huge sex harassment suit, did we? Oh shit, wait a minute…

If there has to be a retrospective of Bill O’Reilly’s year, could we get Keith Olbermann to do it? I’d pay to see that.

Of course, I half suspect that the reason Bush is getting his ass handed to him over Iraq in polls is that he had to get us to believe all Iraqis were potential terrorists in order to get the invasion underway, and now he’s telling us we did a wonderful thing by saving them from Saddam. My infamous idiot neighbor comes into play here, she who opposes the Iraq war because she doesn’t think the Iraqi/Al Qaeda terrorists deserve to be liberated.

Apparently, the nation is *full* of people like her.

Holy shit. He is fucking delusional. Let me get this straight:

This is his negative: thousands of Americans and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis are dead, and so many more more wounded. Any good will we had has been dissipated and around the world we are pretty much hated. The country is hoplelessly in debt (partially)through this insane misadvemture. Civil rights and legal rights have been trashed in the U.S. ( psssst – remember, no habeus corpus, and we no have Torture R Us)

Let’s call his analysis of the economy a draw – I mean if you are a gazillionarie to begin with, it has been a great years – for the rest of us it’s “have they no workhouses.”

His positives:
WalMarts is back saying Merry Motherfucking Christmas.

And for this twit, the year is a wash. What a shithead.

Man, that guy is such a douche.

“Most of us have comfortable lives and the culture war is turning our way.”

Tell me that in about a year and a half, when the fit hits the shan and the biggest depression EVER hits and all of the billionaires bail out of the stock market and revert to their “undisclosed locations” inside of Cheney’s bored-mountain retreat.

Yeah, “WE” are all doing JUST FUCKIN’ DUCKY, you insulated alcoholic moron motherfucker. Can’t wait to see the day when you replace the doorman at your posh high-rise apartment, ’cause you “deserve” the job so much more than any “underqualified” lackey, eh?

My darling Mrs. Biscuitbarrel: Replace those sporks with tire-tools, and THEN you’ll be cookin’ with gas, baby!

Beloved D. Sidhe, fear not, dear heart — yes indeedy ma’am, this c(o)untry is, truly enough and INDEEDY-DO — chock-full up to the tits with morons EXACTLY FUCKING LIKE THAT. I’m related to more of them than I should EVER care to admit.

Perhaps, if things continue going in the neo-nazi-nihilist vein in which the Bushistas and all of their corporate-vulture, psycho-cunt bible-bangers batshit-crazy motherfuckers who fund them are trying to do: Perhaps, just as a delightful little treat for us, there will be DEBTORS’ PRISONS, and O’Reilly will be right under Fatfuck Limbaugh in the prison food chain, as designater Between-The-Fat-Rolls-And-Under-The-Man-Teats-Scrubber in the communal showers.

‘Cause we already know that Rush prefers little Dominican boys, but maybe Bill’s oh-so-talented “voice” can do the Mel Blanc-quality transformations that will make his pimp Lush Fatfuck Limbaugh pop a half-chub as he lays in that washtub as the others piss on him, trying to get his little piggly-wiggly dick half-hard.

(Yes, it’s another night of channelling Bill Hicks. So sue me.)

Re: Christopher on December 27th, 2006

What cracks me up about the issue of Cow Farts v. Climate Change is that, recently, “independent” punditroid Debra Saunders cited a report on bovine flatulence to dismiss Al Gore’s warnings about man-made Global Warming. (She apparently believes mass cattle production to feed overpopulation and its effects on the environment are 100% Nature’s Way. Google “debra saunders cows climate” to find an array of sources, if you like, plus reactions from some readers with frontal lobes.)

So one RIDICULES one report to mock the UN, and another QUOTES a similar-if-not-same report to mock Al Gore. It seems rather like the have-it-both-ways approach NeoCons have taken towards the National Budget…and we can see how well that’s worked out.

Damnit, Annti, now you’ve gone and put me off men!!1!

temporarily, that is.
Y’know, one great growth market in the Greater Depression will be for freshly caught and butchered “long pig,” if ya catch my drift, and I’ll bet you do. No other meat will be as well-marbled with tasty, tasty lard… if you choose your victims targets with care. Mind you, getting at them, walled away in their exclusive gated communities with the 24/7 armed security will probably be a mite tricky, but where there’s a will (and a hot black market), there’s a way.
I say line up Reginald VelJohnson right now as spokesperson “Uncle Idi,” before some other purveyor of this delicious product nabbs him first!

Psst! What’s that I see over in the Sadly, No! comments section? Could it be? Thuffering thuccotash, it isth!!1! A “Preview” button. Maybe Gavin can tell you all how he did it. Or something.

Hey, play nice. Some of us well-marbled types are extremely liberal proles who’ve spent the last two years threatening to sue the Home Owners’ Association if they put up a goddamned gate.

Marq, you damned well nearly put me off of FOOD.

Personally, I tend to want to reserve cannibalism for death-row inmates (as the barbeque-ees) to teach the newbies (the gourmands in question) NOT TO COME BACK.

But when that Depression hits, well, hell, the gloves are off, meat’s meat, right?

But don’t you EVER ever EVER try to feed me any “hobo stew” that smells even REMOTELY like Fatfuck Limbaugh, O’Reilly, or mAnn Coulter, Marq, or I’ll put YOU into the next day’s jambalaya.

Not to worry, Annti. No amount of Beano in the world could take the curse offa that stuff!

DRAIN-O COULDN’T CLEAN *THAT* “MEAT”!!!!!!!

{{{{{{{{{{shudder}}}}}}}}}}

Although I wouldn’t mind feeding Fatfuck et al to, say, your local neighborhood serial killers, as we seem to have a bumper crop of the motherfuckers in Louisiana lately… But they NEVER kill the right fucking PEOPLE!!!!!!

(Yes, I still have a list.)

Something to say?